I have my head stuck in the clouds.
I sabi dream more than I know how to do any other thing.
I am the kind of person that has imaginary scenarios in her head.
I see a policeman and I imagine he stops me and picks a quarrel with me. Of course I have not committed any offence but because he is evil he says nonsense to me. Now what he does not know is that the IG of the NPF is my very good friend and I have all his numbers in my head. The policeman takes me to the station. In fact for good measure he slaps me and threatens me. Somehow I am allowed one phone call (Please remember that this is all happening in my head and I have watched a gazillion American movies, I do not know if the Nigerian Police Force gives the one phone call.)
I call the IG (Inspector General before some people will wonder if Instagram get phone number) and he by chance happens to be close to the station. He walks in and sends for me from the DPOs office. The ordinary policeman that arrested me soon realizes he has made a huge mistake and prostrates on the floor begging me. I am a kind person by nashure (nature in Yoruba accent) so I ask the IG not to sack him but the IG ‘wee not take eeet’…
My people the same time that Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg used to solve world problems I am using to create imaginary scenarios in which I am rich, powerful, famous but humble. It is a wonder I dey get food chop abi?
So I am a proper dreamer and in true fashion I dreamt that I became Tinubu’s in-law. Yes the ‘Jagaban’ himself. In the dream it was not clear to me who married whom but I was a genuine in-law.
Now true to type of any dreamer, hard work and years of studying a craft or struggling to keep a business alive is never part of the ‘making it’ plan. It has to be through a lottery, some obscenely bloated contract or a marriage into easily accessible money ( I must stress the ACCESSIBLE part. You fit marry into money and while you go dey chop Gucci rice, you wee not touch the money).
So without lifting a finger, I somehow find myself as Jagaban’s in-law.
The first thing that will happen is this my pesky penchant for PDP will need to be redefined.
I have been very vocal about my mistrust of APC but now that I am an in-law, I cannot be an opposition to APC. I will put up a disclaimer or more precisely an explanation for not supporting APC, PMB or BAT in the past. It will be complete with a medical report from a reputable hospital explaining a particular brand of mental illness that pushed me away from the revolutionary party, its leader and its serving president. Please my fellow, I mean ex fellow wailing wailers, na person wey chop belleful go get energy to wail. I cannot be an in-law to BAT and suffer! It is like sitting in a bakery on top of bread and dying of hunger. Mba, leaving the wailers is not betrayal it is survival, a basic animal instinct.
I am not quite sure of how I will access his trillions. That is the only part that worries me. But something tells me from attending the wedding my life is bound to change forever. I know for a fact that the one and only true hero and saviour of Nigeria, the godfather of democracy that owns Nigeria and Lagos is his boysquarters will not share plastic souvenirs at the wedding in question. HOW????? I am being modest but I am sure the goody bag will include LPOs and C of Os! So for a start I will come back from the wedding with landed property and a little something that will assist me put up a foundation.
How do I maintain this flow?
I will have to ingrain myself in his memory.
I am a woman but I think I will prostrate instead of kneeling down. Or offer my writing skills to ululate the wonders that this administration has been achieving since it started. What achievements? I hear the wailing wailers ask. See, even the weather in Nigeria has improved since PMB’s body language scared global warming away. Biko all these wailers that are praying for Nigeria to fail make una go hug transformer.
These are the kind of things I think of.
In this New Year, I have decided that faith without works is dead, and this is the real reason I wrote this article. If anyone of you know any of Tinubu’s children, please I have close relatives that are unmarried.
Do not be selfish.
Make my dreams come true.
Writing as a get rich plan is not coming together as fast as I hoped it would (is it easy to write a book that even the members of your nuclear and extended family may not buy… besides writing a book takes time, discipline, an interested publisher and even all that can be destroyed by booksellers in traffic.)
If you don’t know the Tinubu’s, the Dangotes, Otedolas, Adenugas, Dasukis (ehm wait… make I think first, izz like Dasuki matter dey die down. Ok, APPROVED) will work equally well.
2016 MY YEAR OF EASY MONEY…..