Dear Fake Prophet, God will punish you – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Dear Fake Prophet, God will punish you – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

“It is a spirit husband.

He is angry that God wants to solve your singleness.

He has sprayed a perfume on you to chase all your suitors away.

It is a foul odour that is perceived spiritually.

As long as this smell is around you, no matter how beautiful you are, no man will stay close to you.

But let us pray, there is nothing this God cannot do.”

After prayers.

“This is only the first step, there is still a lot of prayers that will be done. We will destroy every yoke… wait.. shembaba si karataya…. I see an old man on your father’s side… lekata taboruosa… he is angry… he has vowed that you will never marry….”


Some more prayers.

“Sister, we have a lot to do. The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and only the violent take it by force. But you have to be ready. (drifts away as though remembering something… laughs and speaks in tongues) There was a woman just like you, I wish I could even introduce you to her. She was 47! Very beautiful. She is a bank manager in Zone 4. Beautiful, homely and very hardworking, but no man had ever asked her out. Do you know that we were praying with her and something dropped in my spirit? I told her when she is leaving her house for prayers on Tuesday, she should announce to them that her pastor said he will render lifeless anyone that had a hand in her being single. Do you know who it turned out to be… (dramatic pause…) Suddenly, her mother became fidgety. She followed her and confessed. It was her mother!!! She did not want her daughter to get married and stop taking care of her needs, she felt a husband and children will detract her from caring for her family… People are wicked. Today as we are speaking, she is happily married with 3 children. If you see the man she married!!! Tear rubber. In fact she had to choose because proposals started flying round… Praise God.”

Sister is listening with wide eyes and bated breath. She has met the saviour. The Moses that will lead her out of this Egypt. So even when she has to drive him from her house in Maitama to his place in One Man Village, she is filled with gratitude and anticipation.

“Sister, you must water he that watereth you…”

She rummages through her bag and apologizes for finding only N5,000. It is dark, she cannot see the disappointment in his eyes. He expected more. Then it clears up. He is now hopeful. She believes, this 5k is just the tip of an iceberg. Her car is cool with air conditioning, perfect for his proposed trip to a conference for Men of God in Jos. He now has a wide smile on his face as he imagines pulling over at the venue of the conference in the grey Landcruiser… they may even give him a seat in front.

“Is here ok sir…?”

He is not used to being called sir, he wishes his mother’s friend that had called him useless could see him now. She should see how this top level executive in an oil company is calling him ‘sir’.

“Yes yes, my sister, Gaaad will bleshh you…”

He will follow up with a text message this night. He must not lose this connection.


Your end will be horrible.

Yes you.

You that prey on people that have needs.

You that listen to people’s problems all the while thinking of ways to dupe them.

Your end will be nasty.

You tell lies in the name of God circling round single successful women like vultures. Circling around desperate sick people who  can barely scrape a living. Circling around pensioners. Circling around neighbourhoods with a bible and a second hand galaxy tablet looking for souls to devour.

“No, don’t bring down my anointing, I am more than a pastor, I have a prophetic calling on my life.” You tell people haughtily. Little rascal, no wonder you had to move to Abuja, they all know you in Effon Alaiye. “A prophet has no honour in his own home” you say with saliva flying everywhere. The reason you have no honour is because you were sleeping with girls you were supposed to be praying for. You duped the man that was sending money from Canada to build his house.

You have no honour PERIOD.

You are no prophet PERIOD.

You are desperately looking for food, rent and someone to meet your own needs that you are too lazy to meet by yourselves.

Instead of succour and comfort, you present hot coals of fake hope and stoke up the fire of expectation of people in need. They grasp these coals to their chest till they are consumed by them.

Woe is you.

You will wish you had never been born, all you fake pastors opening stalls around the country preying on a people already beaten down by non-existent healthcare, bad roads, topsy turvy economy and self-serving government officials. They look to you for spiritual guidance, you milk them of their sweat. You calmly collect the squeezed notes they made while hawking from morning to night to buy your pointed shoes and ill shaped coats. You sell your prayers and prophecies to the highest bidder, you still do not spare the low income earners (ok this last altar call is for those with any amount) and think that all shall be well with you.

Kuna cin amanan mutane. (I don’t know how to interpret this from Hausa)

You cheat people but you forget, that the fire that will burn you will be hotter. James 3vs 1 “let not all be teachers my brethren, for they who teach will be judged with greater strictness.”

Because of your greed and ill-disguised ambition, many now say ‘Christians’ with a sneer dripped in derision. You have caused many to stumble and even more to stop believing.

You fake seers, you miracle sellers, you fake prosperity mongers. Dividing families apart with scripted lies. Pitting mother against child and descendants against ancestors. You have emptied the villages and trapped people in the cities.

Jesus said “I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

But you have come to drain people of life and fill your pockets with the abundance that people have worked for.

But woe is you.

Your pockets will burn.

Your stomach will vomit ill-gotten food.

You will see disgrace and die in disgrace.

If you like do not repent and find another way to feed yourself.

As surely as there is a God.

You will pay for the damage you have done to the church and even above that, the damage to the hearts of men.

He that has ears…


About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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