Hollywood has a way of airbrushing sex. Everything looks so perfect… so neat.
The heroine is slender and fair, the hero is tall, handsome and dangerous. They come back from a sizzling dinner and I don’t mean the food. The chemistry is palpable. We all know what is going to happen.
They go to his house, or hers or a hotel and there is loads of eye contact. Someone pours drinks into glasses. The room is perfect, neat and most importantly dim with warm lights from various lamps. Cue in sexy music, suddenly she is in his arms. Then the perfect kiss. Sometimes they slow it down for us, he has time to remove the string of pearls around her neck grazing a fingertip on her back as he unzips her dress. She is perfectly still with her eyes closed and her lips parted. Her face is still fully made up.
Other times, they rush it. Passion smoulders effortlessly. They carry out a well-choreographed set of movements as they delicately fling garments all over the room and suddenly, Miss delectable and Mr Stud are on the bed, then they have a moment of eye contact and he lowers his head and the scene fades till morning. Sometimes if they are adventurous, they show us some movements under the sheets (always white by the way).
Sex in Hollywood and most books are so perfectly scripted that if you have never had sex before, you have an unrealistic expectation of how intimacy spells out most times.
Being the nice woman that I am, I want to dispel a few myths about sex. Well that is not quite right, I want to paint a more realistic picture of what sex is like and make an appeal for a more realistic representation of sex.
First things first. Contrary to what is portrayed, fat people have sex (I should know), ugly people have sex, disabled people have sex, old people have sex. So scratch the perfect couple wearing dinner gowns, chignons and well-tailored jackets. Regular people are ‘doing the do’ every second and they probably outnumber the beautiful people.
People do not always have sex in neat houses with glasses of vodka and cocktails in a mood already set for revelry. People walk into ordinary houses, they sometimes make eba or watch DSTV before proceeding to the bedroom. In the bedroom, a perfectly made-for-raunchiness bed is not all set waiting for them. There are sometimes mountain loads of laundry that has to be shifted or pushed to the floor to make way for genital (re?)acquaintance.
Now sometimes, in rge movies, we see a shower scene or a bathtub filled with bubbles and scented oils with lights flickering from plenty candles. In regular life, people just have regular baths. In Nigeria, we have bathtubs with buckets and scooping bowls. You see, bodily smells do not exist in Hollywood but they are an unavoidable possibility. No one wants to walk into an embrace with an acrid armpit smell or be kissing a mouth reeking of ogiri so badly that it stings the eyes. I will not talk about other crevices and corners that need a decent scrub so as not to make romance jump out of the window.
There is this thing of removing garments if need be. In the movies, this is done swiftly with expert tugs and flings. In real life, a bra may not be that easy to remove or the man may find himself almost throwing himself on the floor trying to hop out of his boxers.
Pre-sex Hollywood, has the couple speaking in low sexy husky tones.
“You drive me wild” and other intimate poetic declarations are made, in real life, conversations are quite normal.
“I don’t understand the noise in the corolla, abeg help me with this your button.”
“Bola’s open day is tomorrow, shey you are going… please wait don’t spoil my earrings o. Where is my hairnet?”
Normal conversations in which the matters of life are talked about. This heady passion in which all and everyone is forgotten is not the norm.
Now for the actual do. In Hollywood, there are delicate groans and moans but the actual act itself is very silent. In real life, there are noises apart from heaving breathing and proclamations of getting to certain destinations. Skins slap against each other, air sometimes enters places and makes whooshing sounds when it is coming out. Beds creak, CSI is happening loudly in the TV in the background. Sex is not noiseless biko.
And know I get ickier… bodily fluids. How come we never see any in movie sex scenes (I am not talking about those other movies in that other industry o!) The most they allow is a perfect sheen of moist (not full blown sweat.) What about saliva, semen, natural lubricants and the like? There is no wiping anything away, no disposing anything. They finish neatly and go on with life…
Come to think of it, I think they do the right thing when they present sterile sex situations. Realistic depictions would kill the romance of it all, after all, nobody wants to see strings of saliva joining mouths… urgh…
Am I right or am I right?
Lastly and finally, am I a normal human being or is this a cry for some kind of help?
A bewildered Obiageli Fire…
(Wondering why she wrote what she just wrote when she can write better things like 10 ways to keep a marriage hot…)
It must be all this Valentine mushiness.