As I rolled over in bed this morning and reluctantly dragged myself into a sitting position, I felt the aches and pains that seem to dog me every morning and wondered if it was my mattress that was to blame. Even though the makers of said mattress had promised that their product would expose me to “the fine art of living”, somewhere along the line they must have decided to cut with all that marketing crap and just face the money. (Read this detail and then proceed to immediately forget it: the mattress is also over a decade old).
Yeah. Where were we?
So, in the middle of stretching out the kinks, suddenly and with amazing clarity, I understood why the erstwhile governor of Ekiti State, Dr. Kayode Fayemi, felt the need to blow N100m on two beds for him and his ever amiable missus. Stick with me and I hope that by the end of this piece, you would be properly CONVINCED confused into accepting that there are valid excuses for these sort of expenditure that any Governor with the interest of the people at heart, should aspire to accrue.
- Most of the adverts for mattresses show people sinking into the pillowy softness (or unyielding rigidity) of their mattress of choice and then proceeding to have sweet dreams, with a seductive smile playing along the edges of their lips as they sleep throughout the night and wake up the next day still smiling. Amazing considering that in my house, we approach the mattress with a, “Dear Lord, another night of this?” attitude and wake up needing a vigorous massage with aboniki balm to regain any goodwill whatsoever to face the rest of the world with. Now, think of a whoooole Gomina going to bed and waking up grumpy because his village people spent the entire night chasing him in his dreams. That is not on. A governor should have a sweet, pleasant and uninterrupted night’s rest in order to think clearly on behalf of his people and it is only to be expected that the more expensive the mattress, the sweeter the dreams (If those adverts are anything to go by). Only a nightmare banishing mattress would do.
- Usually, the horizontal mambo on a good mattress is a piece of art in itself. Now imagine replicating that on a N50m mattress. When you tell madam to raise her waist a wee bit higher, the mattress would immediately sense that akshon is about to go down and begin to adjust its height and temperature to suit the mood. It can help to add a little more jiggle to madam’s wigglewigglewiggle and the orgasms experienced thusly, would be out of this world. Ever seen a man right after he has orgasmed? That “O” face is to kill for and that is just on these kwe-kwe mattresses of less than fifty thousand naira. Now multiply that by one thousand and you can see how any pleasure derived from drilling for oil on a fifty million naira mattress will keep oga in a good mood…
For days on end…
… To keep on serving you ingrates, beefing him over a bed purchased for mere peanuts!
- Since the new governor of Ekiti, Governor Ayo Fayose came into power, he has done nothing else but showcase the opulent mattress to Nigerians in general and the whole world at large. Now, imagine that Fayemi had not responded to the inspiration to purchase that unconscionably overpriced item of furniture, what would the incoming governor have done for the first few days in office? Nothing I tell you, absolutely nothing. So haters, stop hating. The new governor has been kept busy running from media house to media house, reporting the kind-hearted and extremely foresighted ex-governor of Ekiti State.
- Stomach Infrastructure is for the masses. The elite have to have their flashy toys and precious baubles to play with and this just happened to fall into the category of either or both. Rather than grumbling about unpaid salaries, the good people of Ekiti state ought to offer up thanksgiving that their governor did not decide on a private jet as his own expensive toy. They should be content with the monthly N5, 000 Ekiti Elders Fund. At least that can purchase enough snuff to wake up the nerves and aboniki to ward off the cold.
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