ASO Rock Tales: From ‘I have no shoes’ to ‘I have no money’ by Viola Okolie

ASO Rock Tales: From ‘I have no shoes’  to ‘I have no money’  by Viola Okolie

Apparently, Nigerians love a good sob story as evident in their ludicrous love for Telemundo. Once you can spin a yarn riddled with tears inducing sentiments, the wilder the better, you have the average Nigerian’s sympathy. For instance, “I have no shoes”.

The last time someone made that statement, Nigerians oohed and aahed and ushered him into Aso Rock. We gave him the opportunity to not just buy at least one pair of shoes, but to acquire private jets, build country homes, take medical tours all over the world, lots of apeteshi (sorry, fun) filled vacays and mini breaks, and even the unique opportunity to marry his daughter off in style.

So, now that the four year fever is beginning to heat up the polity, another contender for the highly exalted seat has come up with another sob story angle, “I have no money”. Ok, initially, we pretended to ignore the fact that said dude was driving around the country in bullet proof jeeps because his house rent was paid by a group of friends and he was just managing to maintain a home and wives, with children schooling in some of the best schools, etc. In all fairness to him, his family receives healthcare from Nigeria here, but then…

Now, his party decides to peg nomination forms at N27m in order to separate the “boys from the men” and in order to prove that he was one of the men, he shamefacedly admitted, “N27 million is a big sum, thankfully I have personal relationship with the manager of my bank in Kaduna and I told him that very soon the forms are coming, so, whether I am on red, or green or even black please honour it otherwise I may lose the nomination.”

As expected this set cyberspace agog, with the anti Buhari camp pulling out statistics and information to support the highly valid opinion, that an election is not a valid investment any bank should fund. I mean, if you have ever WRITTEN a bank credit before, you would know that there are minute issues of justifying the loan, mitigating the risks inherent in the transaction, the purpose for the facility, tenor, repayment source, industry analyses, market analyses, loan type, repayment plan and alternative sources of repayment to mention just a few. Then struggling through the various levels of approval to justify why a pensioner should be allowed access to a bank loan at all.

No, a Branch Manager cannot sign off N27m in personal loans. How much do you think a BM earns? (in case you don”t know, most Bank Managers are not even MANAGERS, but that is another story.)

No, an Overdraft against salary is NOT the same thing as a loan to proceed on electioneering. Besides which salary sef?

No, an election is not a valid investment. If we are to toe that line,  then we should also fund weddings which in my opinion are more valid investments than politics and they are both fraught with the same risks

No, proceeds from  salary as a President if you win the election is not a valid means of repayment except if both parties (lender and obligor) are planning some corrupt moves as soon as he attains power.

Remember this was someone who had come thus far convincing us he was a church rat who could not afford to pay his house rent, etc. Who had also struggled to convince us he did not own a single item of real estate (smacks of poor planning to me though, but what do I know about being frugal?)

On the flip side, we also discovered that in addition to their medical skills, military strategy skills, leadership skills, journalistic abilities etcetera, the crop of cyberzens otherwise known as “intellectuals” were also skilled bankers even though their experiences at banking had been largely limited to walking in to withdraw or deposit cash from ATMs. Suddenly, people were digging out credit manuals, prudential guidelines, bank account opening forms, one or two even displayed a rubber band they had picked from a banking hall and an uncompleted deposit slip, all in a bid to prove they had earned the right to tell us that a N27m loan to purchase an election nomination form was a bankable transaction. “Collateral ke? For a man that has so many cattle? The cattle can be used as collateral joor.”

Eesokay o, we don hear una. Just ensure that while he is sending those cows to the bank as collateral, God please help us and dash Nigerians some brains na, he reserves the one we will use to celebrate his loss in a big way as promised by him. And for those who are thinking of the sob story to use since “I have no money” virtually scrapes the bottom of the sob story barrel, here are my suggestions for other contenders:

“I have no integrity” – Suggested for Akitu Akubabar
“I have no wife” – Suggested for Shric Otokie
“I have no sense” – Suggested for Tiromi Achaemi
“I have no clothes” – Suggested for Amads Ohiomshole
“I have no class” – Suggested for Oya Fayose

Kai, these guys need to pay me mega bucks for thinking up these winning strategies o. We can spin yarns around them and run the Nigerian public ragged trying to fall over themselves to give the poliTRICKcians wives, clothes – I doubt integrity, sense and class can be helped sha.

Anyway, two major fallouts of this:

1. We have seen that Nigerians are really all the same underneath it all. It makes no sense to have branded a certain group of people “career or rabid Jonathanians” and insinuated you were better since their primary brief seemed to be defending the indefensible;  and then at the first opportunity you have to experience falling of hand things politician stylee, you show us your skills at justifying the unjustifiable. Too bad! Nigeria ndo.

2. I do not have cattle, but I have shoes. Plenty shoes. Biko, does anyone know any bank manager that will give me a loan? The shoes are brand new, of medium to high quality and can be offered as collateral for the loan. Repayment structure, tenor, purpose for the loan etc should not matter.

Tan kio!

Note: Election Adam: I think the masculinists are not doing enough to stamp their presence in this world. They are allowing the feminists stomp them out of existence. If the day before an event is called the “eve”, then the day after should be called the “adam”. Equal rice for human beans!

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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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  1. Loki BuddyLove

    Pearl, i see u have met my pal Wayola. Wayola, meet your fellow writer/blogger Pearl….meanwhile, i have no condoms myself….vote me for senate at least mbok


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