Bros, this is how to keep a wife and have a happy marriage by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Bros, this is how to keep a wife and have a happy marriage by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Women never grow up. They also have trouble figuring things out for themselves and therefore they need a lot of advice, instructions and guidance. From how to dress to how to keep a marriage, the superior male human has loads of advice to give. Also the super woman likes to share advice with the naughty girl on how to live a perfect married life. There is not much advice on how to be mature, single and happy. But there are tons of advice on how to snag and keep a good man.


So, I am in a good mood this morning and I want to help the men around. I agree that men have superior intellect and do not need advice, but as a loyal subject I do have 2 cents that may be beneficial to them.


black wedding

1. The man is the head of the home, he must be a head: Head means different things to different men. To some, it means your word is law, nobody can say contrary. To some it means demanding Eba at midnight if the need arises. To some it simply means getting regular ‘head’. (ehmm whatever that means.) You remember how GEJ became responsible for even Lord Lugard’s mistakes because he was CinC of Nigeria? Even Shekau got man of the year and did not receive as much criticism as GEJ. Headship means you are responsible for everything that goes wrong. “EVERYTHING”. If the marriage is having problems, it is the man that had headship that could not resolve the problem. So Advice no 1. You are the head, always graciously carry the blame.

2. There is this erroneous belief that men are visual and women are emotional. Hahahahahaha! I take that it means women don’t care if the man is unkempt, odour carrying and other gross things. Please men, at least we carried children in our bellies which accounts for the thickened waistlines. What are you carrying or have you carried? Continue to demand for poundo early hours of the morning and see her attraction to you go down the drain. We like men that are fit! A research found that an inch lost around the waist increases the size of ehmm ehmm ‘kayan aiki’ (please I have shame, ask the nearest hausa person to you to explain.)

3. In those days, married women typified decency, they stuck to only their husbands. And married men only toasted single women. But in this day and time, temptation is rife and open to everyone. A man that wants to keep his wife happy must ehmm ‘do’ what it takes. If he doesn’t, there are loads of younger and more agile boys out there with time and inches on their hands. Please if you don’t, she will look outside.

4. Remember the things you did when you were toasting her? Showing up with suya without her asking, knowing the sizes of all her clothing and shopping for her. Remember how you were living in Sango and she came visiting, you would drive her to Ajah to see her friends without complaining? Or you would take her to the market and follow her to each stall carrying Bagco bags while she haggled over the price of ‘Iru’. You know what I am talking about na. That thing that makes a man allow a woman to order caviar while he sucks on pure water insisting that he is not hungry even though you can hear his stomach playing makossa. Please, that was what made her marry you. You have to keep doing those things. Some men, the last time you entered a kitchen was when you surprised her with dinner when you guys were dating. The poor girl thought that would continue after marriage….

5.  Money is always a source of contention. You see couples fighting over finances. For the sake of peace, there must be transparency. If you are reading this article, pause and tell your wife exactly how much you earn. She must know all your accounts, passwords and pin numbers. You see, if you have money lying down somewhere, you may be tempted to use it on frivolous things. There are many women out there prowling around looking for a sponsor, allow your wife full control over your finances so that their hustle will be truncated. What the woman does with her money is none of your business. You are the head and the provider after all…

6. You know how the bible says the husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the church enough to lay down his life. Shey you remember guys? HELLOOOO una dey? This simply means you should be ready to die for your wife. Catching a grenade or bullet for your wife is not a big deal, Bruno Mars was being scriptural but before your heart starts to palpitate, I have a milder interpretation. If your car is in a better condition than your wife’s you have failed as a husband. Why would you allow her to risk her life in a bad car? You are driving a neat Lexus without a scratch and she is driving a ‘vintage’ Mazda that even Mazda can’t remember manufacturing. When she is at Oshodi, the kids in Okota begin to dance because mummy is on her way home. How do they know? They can hear the car. Haba, what would Jesus do? You are drinking in the bar with friends watching Manchester versus Arsenal while madam is cooking with one hand, sweeping with the other, backing baby, stepping on Junior (that inherited your stubbornness) so that he will stay in one place, with the other leg, she is ironing your clothes. HABA DUDES! Who is being sacrificial? Speaking of sacrificing, don’t spend every day watching Nadal or Messi, some days watch Real Housewives of Atlanta with her.

7. We have been told a dozen times that a man’s love language is respect. What does that even mean? So we like disrespect? To keep her happy, you must respect her. You must listen to her opinions and never make her feel she has no valuable contribution to give. It would help if you lowered your head and not make eye contact with her when she is talking. It is a sign of respect.

8. She is beautiful, she is beautiful, she is beautiful. Repeat after me “Honey, you are beautiful” you must say these words as often as possible. She is not fat, she is not fat, she is not fat… repeat after me “Honey, you are not fat, you are perfect) there are so many adjectives, research them.

9. Let us talk about personal appearance. Nobody likes looking at a shabbily clad man wearing singlet and boxers scratching his hairy bumbum. It does not matter if you are in your house, always look neat. What kind of clothes does she prefer you wear? Find out and comply. You see, women see a lot of good looking men every day, nobody wants to come back home to an Oscar the Grouch that has turned the sitting room into a trash can. This kind of behavior can encourage a woman to look outside the marriage. And for those guys in #teambeardedgang. Pls don’t! Too many women pretend to like beards, if I need a facial scrub, no be your iron sponge I go use, Apricot facial scrub is not expensive. GO AND SHAVE.

10. Men ought to be prayerful. Pray for your wife and your marriage. Be active in church. If your wife fails, you have failed to pray. Enough of more women in church than men. It does help us live longer sha, but we want to help you too. Pray.

Phew!!!! That was long, I wrote this because I care. Apply it to your marriage and after it works, I can inbox you my account details… you are welcome!


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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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