Dear Nigerian Politician, you see your life by Viola Okolie

Dear Nigerian Politicians,

All my gbazaqine and tuzaquine in the past few days to get you all to notice me and hire me to run your electioneering has failed woefully *sobs*. Liar Muhammed still reigns supreme while Femo Da Loose Kannon Kayode is pushing back for all he is worth. Returning fire for fire, ekpe for ekpe, law suit for law suit, yabbies for yabbies… ordinary Nigerians are forced now to wear heavy duty bullet proof vests while watching television . You never know where the bullet will be coming from and both camps seem to have left the common man in their scramble for supremacy and are now facing each other in the ultimate fight to the finish.

Femi Flatulence Kayode; Rotflmao Amaechi; Sherlock Fayose; Failing Fashola… the list is endless.

Anyway o, I am still here, tuzaquine on speed and I am offering, up for sale and to the highest bidding politician, 4 sure fire ways to win the elections and sweep the stakes as we turn the bend and take the last lap to end this dadblasted, electioneering season:

A picture is worth a thousand words: Photo ops in ordinary Nigerian parlance. Do not miss an opportunity to be caught on camera going about your “usual duties”, like frying akara under a mango tree. Like going to buy suya with your entire village and some flash drunk paparazzi in tow. Roast corn, roast boli, climb okada, eat amala shitta… all join, all na part of electioneering. And by the way, this is what you do usually, all in a day’s work – can’t haters just see how relaxed you are around the akara frying-pan?

When in doubt… lie: The mumu politician (and oti mkpus) are the ones who are caught in the unfortunate business of trying to give a straight forward answer during this season. If you cannot think up a lie in an instant, you do not deserve to either be contesting for public office, or showing vocal support for anyone who is. You are simply what you are – a hireling. So, arm yourself with one of those free website creating software and create news sites like cmn.com, bdc.com, graudiannews, pnuch.com and thatdayonline.com. Then once you are armed with your “authentic”, first class website, proceed to regurgitate all sorts of nonsense from your over active imagination. When you are challenged to produce a link or shut up, copy and paste a link from thatdayonline.com. The mind is faster than the eye, we will unwittingly accept your link as the authentic site and proceed to help you spread your propaganda until the eye catches up and wonders whether we are playing words and opposites here.

Forget your history, forget basic fundamental information and forget the reason why you are even contesting: For instance, when you are asked the meaning of your party acronyms, reply, “All Progressive Confidence”. What body will conduct the elections? Reply, “Independent Nigeria Electoral Commission”. Mangle the names of your running mate; change it from town to town and from state to state; vary it with the weather; adjust it to suit your mood. Nigerians love things like that and you will elicit responses like, “Even if he brings bread label, we will vote for him.” When all fails, just simply reply to all questions with “Kworepshen” or “Jonathan”. Guaranteed to rake in the votes.

Accusations, accusations, accusations:

A dead lizard on your front porch? Blame the other party.

Your child falls sick? Blame the President!

Your food gets burnt while you are watching Telemundo? Blame the opposition.

Madam sends you to the dog house? You know what to do.

Look here ehn, no dulling; the name of the game is accusations, accusations, accusations. The more you allege, the more your chances of looking like a fool in front of Nigerians but who cares? Throw your reputation to the winds, whoever even heard of a politician ever having a reputation or integrity? Those are mutually exclusive terms. Allege left, right and centre. And when people are tired of your allegations and respond by “plessing their thumbs” for the other party, allege the elections were rigged and proceed to cause kata kata.

Nothing do you, you are simply being a Nigerian politician.

Hmmmmm, methinks Nigerian Universities should quickly introduce a curriculum on advising Nigerian politicians and hire me to teach it! This shall be my year to hammer. The ministry is moving to the permanent site.

Amen somebody?

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