Does he love you abi the idea of you? – Joy Ehonwa

Does he love you abi the idea of you? – Joy Ehonwa

No enter one chance o!

You need to know, seriously. The only thing worse than a man who lies about being in love with you when he’s not, is a man who sincerely thinks he’s in love with you but is not. Bad news, baby! E go do “the two both of una” like film trick!

I remember one time, over a decade ago, when my BFF was hotly pursued by this really great guy. Whether it was infatuation or it was love, the thing was hot! He pursued her like a thirsty man goes after water. Sadly, she didn’t feel the same way about him and refused to be his girlfriend. We both met him on the same day, and he and I grew quite close so he relied on me to convince my friend to date him. Everyone was convinced by his ardent feelings for her…everyone except me. I knew him, and I knew her, and I knew they were totally mismatched. I couldn’t figure out what it was that enthralled him, but I knew this wasn’t the real deal. Still, I kept urging her to give him a chance. My girl no gree convince o (good for her!).

My people, na so we dey for one whole year o. ONE YEAR of chasing woman! If that’s not love, then what is love? Surprise, surprise, tyre come start to leak one day when bobo and I were gisting and I mentioned in passing that my BFF and I were age mates. Come and see shock on his face! He was like “What? What??” Me sef I trip. You dey chase person from January to January and you no know her age?

Apparently, he had a thing for older women, particularly of the “dark and thick” variety. He saw my friend and actually thought he had landed his dream all in one package (she has always kind of looked mature; in secondary school when boys were toasting us, men with fine cars were stopping for her) naim make e wan die on top her matter. What a wawu. Na so the tyre leak ooo until e flat finish. He totally lost interest and they couldn’t even be friends; the “nothing in common” was that serious. I remember asking him as we were gisting one day long after he had stopped chasing her: “So, you would have hurt my friend?”

“Badly,” he replied.

The shock ehn, me sef I feel am. My girl dodged a serious bullet!

The funny thing is he genuinely believed himself to be in love with her for a whole year, when in fact he was only in love with the idea of her. I know many people who married like this, and it is a very sorry situation, I tell you.

So, how can you tell if he’s in love with you or with the idea of you? Here are just 3 of the many signs:

You get the feeling he doesn’t know the real you: He only sees the things about you that he wants to see, whereas real love acknowledges the real you, including your flaws. Your hopes and dreams, what drives you, your shortcomings, your greatest fears, your values and ambitions- these are things he cannot relate to or help you with in any real sense. He doesn’t even ask about them because subconsciously he doesn’t want to know the real you; in his mind you are already everything he wants you to be.

He’s trying to change you: There’s a thin line between helping you become a better person and changing you into his idea of who you are/should be. If you’re not shining your eye you’ll miss it. Whether he’s sweetly trying to force his love of poetry and art on you, transform you into an intellectual, groom you into a political pundit, bring out your non-existent fashionista, or even “build” you into a spiri sister, my dear, be careful! He’s likely got you all made up inside his head.

He goes on and on about how you make him feel: This can be very flattering, I have to admit. It’s a real ego boost knowing all the things you do to him and how you make him feel, but that is not love o. Love is not focused on self. Love is an action word, and its primary goal is the well-being of the other person.

When a man is in love with the idea of you, his feelings can be as intense as they are blind. Don’t be carried away. Na one chance!

Read more from Joy

The secret to a happy marriage will SHOCK you – Joy Ehonwa

Abeg, shine your eyes before you say “I do” – Joy Ehonwa

Wait o, did you marry the wrong person? – Joy Ehonwa

photo credit


About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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