THIS IS HOW DREAMS DIE IN NIGERIA by Joy Isi Bewaji

THIS IS HOW DREAMS DIE IN NIGERIA by Joy Isi Bewaji

You just hit the big 3-0 and you feel like the world is in your palm. You have a business idea- to create electric boxers. Yes, these electric boxers will help men achieve orgasms without stress.Joy use

You know, life is hectic for the cosmopolitan man. He has meetings to attend, business conferences, official trips and professional dates that consume all his time. He is stretched thin. These commitments come with a price; his busy schedule makes it almost impossible for him to attain certain feats- an orgasm for instance. He is horny but cannot find the time to plan a sex/love arrangement. And picturing Nicki Minaj in the bathroom of a hotel with lotion in his hand every other day is becoming a sad and boring addiction.

So all he needs to do henceforth is put on one of your electric boxers and get the ride of his life. He can have it on at any time, like wearing normal briefs, even during very important meetings. Just sit and let the electricity shock him into ecstasy; a little pleasurable moan may escape his lips in public but that is a small price to pay for delicious masturbation that needs no hands and no gel.

You can bet your two lean balls that men all over the world will DIE to have dozens of your invention. Ah! You can see the headlines already:

“Nigerian man invents electric boxers.”

“Electric boxers created by Nigerian man is the talk of the town”

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat and you have grown two inches taller. This is it! This is where your life begins. All of the years spent studying Engineering in a god-forsaken Nigerian University with endless months of strike, wrecking whatever was left of your fragile self-esteem will be regained the moment the electric boxers hit stores worldwide!

But first, the money. You need an investor. Easy! With an idea like this you’d have financiers beating themselves to death just to get your attention, no?

So you tell your mother; she doesn’t quite understand how the hell you’d think of something so lewd for a business, but she has seen you through worse moments- alcohol addiction for one, and she loves you to bits; that is all that matters. She dances in circles, prays for you and tells you to inform your father.

Your father drops his morning paper on his laps and stares at you with his mouth wide open. “Electric gini?”

He doesn’t quite get it either. But you believe this idea is going to change the life of every man out there. From students to workers, presidents to the Pope, every man is about to be emancipated from the wiles of women! Let them keep their vaginas, we have electric boxers!

Your father is old; he has suffered too many financial setbacks in life. When he left paid employment as a senior level executive of a private firm many years ago, he had no pension plan. His last salary and a big clock were handed to him as a send-off gift. He emptied his savings and started a bakery; it failed and killed his last shred of morale. Now it’s your turn to restore your family’s dignity.

Your father wants this electric thing to succeed because he wants to be able to say to his friends:

“My son is a scientist. An inventor. I can bet you Obama is wearing his electric gini right now as he is speaking to that CNN reporter about the attack on American borders. See that grin on his face; I think he just experienced an orgasm. Chei!”

So he tells you to go and meet his older sister’s step son- the rich “Uncle” who runs a petrol station.

Your uncle seems excited; he nods as you share the mechanics of the electric boxers. He shakes your hand and says he’ll like to be part of it. A new date is set for a meeting.

You will wait for hours at his office with his secretary looking at you from the corner of her eyes. Visitors will enter and exit; you can hear his voice, his laughter fills the room as he converses with a pile of visitors. A half-closed door, you can see his shoes, but you have not yet been summoned. And when it is six o’clock, the secretary will announce to you and a few others that he has rushed out for a meeting.

“Come back tomorrow.” That was all you heard for a whole month! She was paid to shoo you away like a fly trying to sip some tea from a cup.

“Come back tomorrow!” And you never get to see your uncle.

You turn to your friends, but they’ve got a bucket of troubles of their own and everyone thinks you are crazy. “Electric boxers? Wouldn’t the fabric part of this invention catch fire from all the electricity?” they’ll ask. But you ain’t giving none of your business secrets away. *sips coffee*

You start to ask questions, people point to one direction- go get a loan from the banks. One year is gone; you are broke, jobless and having nightmares of electric boxers electrocuting some of your clients to death.

When you get to the bank, you realise why everyone tries to stay away from it as much as possible. You’ll shrink to a tiny piece of nothing as you hear their demands:

“If you want one million naira, we’d need a full duplex, a car, a piece of land and one toe nail as collateral.”

“If you want two million naira, we’d need all of the above and a pint of blood.”

“Three million naira and above, we’d need your kidney.”

It is that ridiculous and impossible to get a loan in the Nigerian situation.

So you turn to a philosopher on social media, posting “inspiring thots” and “wisdom nuggets” for the sad and depressed- just like you. Until it hits you! The comedian, Ali Baba, follows you on twitter, yes! Now you have to find out if he can help you with the initial sum of N5 million for the electric boxers.

You send six direct messages that go unanswered. You give up, until you log on to twitter a few days later and he has a new tweet:

“Young Nigerians are so innovative but no one to help them. Interesting and scary ideas everywhere, but they need support. If only the govt .can help.”

That is it- the Government!

And so you head to Abuja to meet the Government. You learned there is a loan scheme under the present administration that can help your dreams come true. Your mum retrieves some money from her bra and squeezes it into your hand for your transportation; by now your father isn’t talking to you anymore.

“Tell that lazy son of yours to go and WORK!” he screams at your mother in the still of the night when you should be asleep but you are thinking of electrocuted penises.

In Abuja, you’ll get to the office and meet a young woman with bad weave, horrendous makeup, in a lazy suit, chewing a day-old gum and checking you out (you are, after all, a Lagos bobo, innit?).

“Good afternoon madam, I heard about the loan-for-youth scheme by the Federal Government, please how can I apply?”

“No loan scheme.”

“Sorry?”

“No loan scheme. Who told you about any loan scheme?” Her eyes refuse to meet yours. Seated, her eyes are directly in contact with your natural male bulge.

“But…I saw it in the papers…I called and they said I could come to Abuja to…”

“Which paper?”

“I can’t remember; it was a very small advertisement. I copied the details and…”

“The scheme has closed.”

“Please ma, if you can just help me…I came all the way from Lagos.”

“No scheme, I just told you. Government has closed the scheme.”

(Sorry I know it hurts, but corruption will not let any kind of seed grow in the “Nigerian situation”. Someone somewhere has used all the loan-for-youth money to build a 3-star hotel in the town near his village).

*sighs*

You will return to your city, get a job, find a girl in church. You will calculate her salary and yours and decide if it is ok to get married; three children later, leaving in a comfortable flat, you’ll be fine. Your father would be proud.

So when your son clocks 25, and tells you he has an idea to create flying suits- the kind that you wear and fly to work, skipping traffic; you will tell him: “Enough of this nonsense, go and get a job.”

It is not your fault; you are Nigerian and you are stuck in this peculiar situation.

This is how dreams die in Nigeria and that is why Zuckerberg is not Nigerian.

@joybewaji

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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7 Comments

  1. abb

    Am very happy on your write-up ma’am.But am a little confused about the direction you are headed.It seem biased but am really glad you did.Thanks alot.

    Reply
  2. ABOLADE

    not sure about the boxers. but i love the direction u took this just as the above mentioned!!! its a real and genuine article and its though provoking in many way. things will change soon!!

    Reply

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