I remember once when I lost a lot of weight just sitting at home and doing nothing. It was one of those periods when my contract was awaiting ‘plenty’ signatures for renewal and I, ergo, had a lot of time on my hands and didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was just sitting at home and eating didn’t seem like a pleasant alternative either.
So, I just decided to ‘kuku’ expend the time in reading, watching movies, playing games on all sorts of devices, and attending MOOCs.
About three months after that, the contract was renewed and it was back on the field for me, and listen, the work I do is by no stretch of the imagination, considered ‘easy’.
Consulting for non-profits organizations and producing communication materials for donors, partners and beneficiaries, we have to go to the communities where their intervention programs are carried out, identify the beneficiaries, sit with them and their families to have them tell their stories which we record, and then convert to a variety of communication materials – bulletins, newsletters, journals, success stories, short documentaries, etc.
As soon as work started and I stopped sitting in one place twiddling my thumbs, I started adding weight again.
It is not rocket science – you eat on the go. When hunger comes knocking, it is not the time for you to start counting calories or questioning food sources. You just grab and go.
You burst out into civilization with the gremlins in your stomach growling for attention; the first place that looks decent enough is where you berth your ship until hunger has been sated.
Again, losing weight is not even evidence that anybody is working o.
Starvation can make you lose weight – but in the wrong places and at the wrong rate.
Sickness and disease can make you lose weight – once again, for all the wrong reasons.
And even more likely is the fact that you may have abandoned the work that you should do, and are busy drinking ‘one-day intensive slimming wonder’ tea, and the rest of them in order to look trim.
An upcoming wedding?
Vanity for vanity’s sakes?
The Kaduna-Abuja expressway has so shaken Nigeria to its roots that even the high and mighty are now crowding the train station in Abuja, jostling with the common man for access to what had hitherto been their own preferred means of transportation.
Helicopters now escort trains when they are being used by Abuja big men, for high profile movements. These same helicopters seem unable to ply the Kaduna-Abuja expressway death trap and stop the kidnappers in their tracks.
Nigeria is beset on all fronts but our chief of police has to show that he is working and his strategy is simple: constitute a moral police force and leave the marauders to feel free and do as they like.
The biggest menace to Nigerians apparently, is from strippers, patrons of night clubs, and ladies of the night.
It is a bigger slap to the constitution that people solicit, patronize and offer commercial sex services – even at a voyeuristic level than it is that territories are gradually being ceded to terrorists, bandits (the new word in town).
People can no longer ply access routes from one part of the country to the other, and whole communities are being sacked by the almighty Fulani Herdsmen.
If it is any consolation to you, even the Presidents’ kinsman was also abducted by the ‘bandits’; and even the big men are being forced to use public transport – figuratively rubbing shoulders with the hoi-polloi; so we the masses cannot make it an ‘us-versus-them’ issue like we are wont to do.
We are all in this together.
So, let us all suffer and smile while our under-equipped military is sent to face super equipped terrorists in a macabre dance that is sure to end with the massive wipeout of our ‘gallant troops’.
And when these ones fall in the battlefield, struggling while knowing that they are out-armored by the militants yet willing to risk it all anyway for their beloved country – they are buried like cattle in unmarked graves at unknown locations.
Mass burials for those who risk their lives for us – in shallow graves. Not even the courtesy of contacting their loved ones to, at least, shed a tear and attempt to find closure.
The police, on the other hand, have turned the capital of the country into a Hisbah zone.
Every woman is now a potential commercial sex worker and to prove that they are, the enforcers of the law are ‘arresting’ and raping any woman they find on the streets at a certain hour after dark, using crude condoms fashioned out of pure water sachets.
Apparently, the raping is the final confirmation of their promiscuity; then the women are thrown into overcrowded cells to wait until someone can come and pay the rapists to bail them.
But, the Police Chief is working because he is losing weight.
According to the C in C, President Muhammadu Buhari, losing weight is all the evidence he needs to know that in his absence, whatever security issues may have arisen, were being given the requisite attention they needed.
Every other thing happening in Nigeria is the work of the opposition to undermine a government that is over-performing.
Everybody complaining is just – to quote the words of the government of the day via its spokesperson – a wailing wailer.
Nigeria is alright.
All these other issues are just film tricks.
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