Yaaay! In case you are still confused, we are now officially in Onwa Deezemba! The month of Christmas. That time of the year when for one day, you get to go from house to house, combining all sorts of delicacies inside your one small belly, and getting progressively drunk-er and drunk-er as you mix various brands of liquid temptation.
This is month when the fat get fatter (perhaps in anticipation of the first of January when they will make a half hearted attempt to appease the gods of New Year’s Resolutions), the thin suddenly develop what looks suspiciously like a pregnancy bump (actually constipation from taking one mouthful of rice more than they are used to), the generous get even more generouser and the stingy develop some wicked kind of ulcer from having to release Christmas dash and bonus to neighbourhood kids.
Apologies to short people, the only miracles that do not happen this season are where your height is concerned. The short remain short – thank you very much.
So, in the spirit of Onwa Deezemba, rice and shicken, Christmas waka et al, I offer you these four survival tips for survivng the holiday month and emerging triumphant into the longest calendar month, the one with at least 69 extra undocumented days…
1. Drink… and drive… just don’t do both successively or at the same time. You may also want to restrict your liquid libations to the harbingers of jedijedi and stay cleer of agents of double vision. Reason being that in Nigeria, December is the god father of the ember months and it is in this particular month that “enemies from the village”, masquerading as witches, wizards and blood sucking demons, prowl the expressway, looking for whom to devour. Forget that some of their victims or those who ultimately cause injury and in some instances death to others were either operating under the influence, or were in a hurry to get to some important business that is quickly discarded in the unfortunate event of a crash – just blame it on the witches and wizards…
And the inexplicable phenomenon of “ember month”.
2. Call up your friends, families and ex friends, especially the ones whom you have practically ignored for the past 11 months. You see, this is the season for good cheer, re kindling strained relationships and sending over used and super recycled spam messages. You are a great friend, colleague, neighbour, acquaintance and relative and you need to keep reinforcing that in these few days leading up to the reason for the season. Casually flirt with being an obnoxious nuisance, it is part of the Christmas game plan. Wake up early in the morning and use anyhow water to wash your neighbours “mershine”, take on unneeded and unassigned tasks, knock on their doors at the crack of dawn and keep your finger on the bell until they open their door and when they do, ensure your greetings can be heard as far away as Chad republic. Make midnight calls to those too far away to be blessed with your presence and spend the wee hours of the morning chit-chatting.
When they drop the call, ignore the slight hissing you heard before the phone went dead in your ear and call them back.
Why bother? Hint: Bags of rice, gallons of oil, live and dressed fowls, goat, cooked food on Christmas days, hampers and cash.
You have my blessing to proceed and pester da heck out of everyone who knows you. Insurance don cover you!
3. Spend, spend like there is no tomorrow. Spend like cash is going out of fashion. Spend like the trumpet will blow tomorrow and blablabla. Spend like someone died and made you the Sultan of Brunei. Spend like your father is the Nigerian Minister of oryel matters. Spend all you have and what you do not have. Borrow money and spend. Spend against your January salary. Spend, spend, spend… nothing do you.
Onwa Deezemba is also the month for showing off: buy a car you cannot afford to maintain so you can compete with your neighbour who works in Shell. Buy more shoes than your two feet know what to do with and ensure that you change pairs regularly. Make at least twenty different outfits and change into and out of them as often as you can in the days between 24th night and the second day of the New Year. Buy anything with the name ” christmas”, “holiday” or “xmas” prefixing it in the stores. Buy gifts you can scant afford and give them to people you might have never exchanged more than a casual greeting with. Buy items you do not know whether to eat, wear or watch… nothing mega.
It is the month for splendiferous spending, key into it.
For God loves a cheerful giver, give all you’ve got…. just make sure I am the ultimate beneficiary.
Ask for my account number, inquire after my favourite gadget or automobile brand, I have an exotic taste in chocolates and like expensive food that I do not have to spend a dime in purchasing. Bags of rice, wine hampers, gallons of vegetable oil, latest in electronics, trailerloads of cattle (Buhari, take note), and the king of gifts – cash! Do not be shy in giving, do not hold yourself back. Forget about God, me, I love cheerful givers…
You may wish to thank me later for this free advice.
Satirist General’s warning: A generous helping of common sense is required in applying the afore mentioned advice. If any of them boomerangs on you, you are not to quote SabiNews or the author of this piece as being the reason behind why your enemies have multiplied while your friends and those willing to speak with you have shrunk in numbers, why you have creditors beating down your doors, why your village witches have filed a defamation suit against you and why a certain Viola (unrelated to the author of this piece), seems to have blocked you and deleted your number after wacking your xmas goodies…
Season’s Greetings to you all…
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