God punish Side Chicks – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

God punish Side Chicks – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

We all love to hate the other woman.

You know, the side chick, side piece, mistress, geh-friend and all the other names we use to describe the women we share our partners with (Not my portion@#@!!!). The other woman is mostly unknown to the official partner; the one the whole family knows as ‘our wife’. But make no mistakes, more often than not, she exists.

Married women especially hate the other women. We share stories of someone we know that knows someone that knows someone whose husband left her for the other woman. We hope sincerely that our partners are innocent, we even swear by it a lot of times, but secretly in our hearts, we know that the possibility exists and we are usually the last to know.

If you asked me to describe the other woman. I would paint a picture of a young woman, probably with no kids, a svelte figure who wears expensive weaves. She dresses like Toke Makinwa and they probably share the same dermatologist which is to say that she is light skinned.

Toke Makinwa

The other woman that I imagine is a sexpert and nympho rolled into one. Nothing creeps her out. She is a studied contortionist as well because she can delicately wrap her legs around her neck for the man’s ultimate pleasure. The other woman is also materialistic. The man pays all her bills and does so happily. Madam will have to report to his mother, pastor and boss before he will dispense 20k monthly upkeep for his family of six but all the other woman has to do is to pout and he will borrow to pay her rent. I imagine the other woman as an evil godless almost prostitute without morals who wears clothes so skimpy that she can do the do without undoing a button or zipper. Her ultimate aim is to snatch the man away from his family and she will resort to ‘juju’ and lace her lady bits with ‘kayan mata’ guaranteed to hold prisoner every man that dares to enter her holy of holies…

My people, now that I am older, I know this is not always so.

It is not always “bad girl snatches innocent husband”.

There are three types of side chicks:

  1. The one that is just passing by and wants a good time without commitment.
  2. The one who has her eye on eventually crossing over from back door to the front.
  3. The third one is really just a woman that falls in love with the man.

The first type is usually not married and is in her early 20s. She is a whirlwind of fun, is vivacious and enjoys luxury. She does not mind if the man is wrinkled, or Shrek’s older uglier brother or even a certain widowed safari wearing governor, as long as he can take care of her, she will date him (There is usually no intention to be a Mrs. but as in the case of the safari wearing governor, ehmm faeces happens)

The second type seeks to see what is missing in the man’s relationship with his wife and she makes a conscious effort to show him what he is missing. Most married women live in demystified or ‘see finish’ relationship. They wear smelly hair nets, snap back at the man and nag him daily. They are overworked and impatient and take the marriage for granted. The man is just a man, nothing special. But this type of woman is determined to treat him ‘right’. She buys rose plates and expensive cutlery. When he is coming, she will cook his favourite meal, make sure her house is spotless and will have a bath. She will remove his jacket for him, ask him how his day was, laugh at his dry jokes and pretend the sun rises and sets in his gluteal cleft (arse crack…you are welcome). She is very respectful and even drops curtsies. She does not argue or talk back, she will never say she has a headache to pass on sex. She will do whatever style he desires and not fight him ever… at least till she becomes madam.

And now for the most dangerous other woman. She is an ordinary woman that has no airs about her. She is seemingly unattainable to the man and that drives him nuts. She is not impressed with his money and refuses his gifts. The man starts to pursue her. She gets under his skin and has given his usually roving member more than one restless night. She is a challenge, she is the Mona Lisa, she is Angelina Jolie, the mystery that is not easy to unravel. She is the other woman that scares me the most. Because he could actually fall in love with her and she with him. When he finally conquers, he finds that he easily connects with her. She listens to his problems with his wife, his dreams and aspirations and gives him honest relevant advice. She becomes his oasis, his rainbow, his silver lining… Physically, she is not perfect, she may even have kids, stretch marks and cellulite. She is not afraid to state her opinion to anyone including him.

This last side woman, can wake up and decide not to be the side anymore. She tells him it is either her or she will walk away. The man steadily sabotages his marriage till he can be with his ‘soul mate’.

It is the ordinary other women that I am uncomfortable about, the ones that are friends and seem harmless.

I once knew of a man that was toasting a lady I knew. He was so persistent and my friend who was a plus sized lady (and I don’t mean a size 14.. we are talking in the 20 something region) was enjoying the attention.

Till she met his wife.

His wife was a mixed race Sade Adu/Lola Okoye type woman. She had flawless skin, perfect figure and long hair. My friend said

“Biodun, I am not fit to lick her shoes.”

But her husband was out there looking for what she did not have.

There is no satisfying men sef.

Maybe the Islamic way is the best way. I would rather know the women I am up against than to live idyllically with my head buried in the sand with my yansh exposed. At least if we all knew each other, we would do a roster instead of slaving over one dude while another woman gets his money and time.

Let us pray

“Every other woman, that is bent on destroying my hard earned marriage of endless cooking, cleaning, forgiving, episiotomies ……… (oya you remember that thing Oshiomole told that widow, ehen…)

If you cannot say amen, you are a suspect.


Lilian Osigwe

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer.

Lilian Osigwe

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. lilian.osigweh@1stnews.com

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