The good, the bad, and the Lagos – 028

The good, the bad, and the Lagos – 028

One way to go about getting yourself a girl in Lagos is sliding into her DM. I met up with a friend with whom I’d be discussing this matter, and Rhonda told me I’d be amazed at the variety of sliding she’d seen in her time.

Some, she said, slid like moon walkers; others, like footballers after a magnificent goal; and then there was the hopeless group best referred to as the Egungun in Obesere’s song. Her classification whet my appetite so well, I was looking forward to the rare pass in her DM like a new season of my favorite television show long before we met up in her house.

And when we did, as the cops would request, we began at the beginning.

Hi Rhonda, my name is Sola

Kosofe. I’ve been following you

since I joined Instagram, and I

read all the news on your blog

everyday. I have been in love

with you for a very long time,

but I thought I will never get the

chance to express myself. It’s

not because you’re beautiful, or

successful, I just love

everything about you. I know

many people will be writing you

and saying all sorts, I just hope

that you will be able to see that

I am the one that can die for

you. Please consider my

request. I will be expecting

your reply. Bye for now.

Yours forever,



Rhonda said she wanted to throw up after reading that. She didn’t like how cheesy he sounded, to begin with. Maybe some girls wouldn’t mind that, but it was his misfortune that she was the one reading it. Also, no girl wants to be with a cyber stalker, especially not even one who antagonizes other people taking interest in her. And all that die-for-you talk just made him sound occultic.

She screened him out.

The good, the bad, and the Lagos – 027


Hi, I know that a woman like

you don’t need a man that will

want to be controlling her. I will

let you do anything you want. If

you want to go out, I will not

stop you. If you want to work, I

will not tell you that you should

go and cook. I know that

people will be saying many

things but the most important

thing is maturity. Please let me

love you with maturity.

Rhonda was laughing at how much of the point this one missed. Not only is his idea of maturity unbelievable, but the thought that a strong, independent woman wants to live without responsibility makes him exactly the kind of person to run away from.


Hey Rhonda, I really never do

this, but I’m coming out of my

shell for the first time to slide

because the juice is worth the

squeeze. There’s so much

about myself I would like to tell

you, but it will be more

convenient to do during a date.

So I’m asking, may I have

lunch with you sometime?


Rhonda shook her head in disapproval. He wrote well, which was quite refreshing, considering the junk she had been putting up with. However, when you begin by saying you never do something that you’re about to do, you just sound dishonest. Also you have to impress with this one chance, not use it to ask for a second chance to make a late first impression.

You snooze, you lose.

She screened him too.


Hello Rhonda, my name is

Bassey Archibong. I’m a lawyer

and a novelist. I have risen to

the level of partner in my firm,

being the high flyer that I am.

And my books have sold a

handsome number of copies

globally. I have also been

nominated for upcoming

awards in the next quarter of

this year. I am convinced you

and I are the most perfect fit.

Since we share a deep love for

the same kind of art, our

compatibility quotient will

definitely be over the roof. If

this makes sense to you, as it

makes all the sense in the

world to me, I shall be glad to

propose our first dinner


Rhonda yawned. Only one thing wrong with Bassey Archibong: he was boring. He would probably get a kick out of staying home all weekend, quoting Shakespeare and Milton, but that will bring a girl’s nightmare to life.

He was out.


So you’re putting yourself out

there to see what happens. I

think that’s frightful. But more, I

think it’s fun. And I want to

come with you, if you’ll have


Rhonda smiled. She didn’t trust this one because he sounded too smooth, but she liked him. He was easy and direct without coming off as desperate.

She listed him.

Hi, my name is Amaka.

I’m writing you on

behalf of my brother.

He doesn’t know I’m

doing this, and he won’t

know unless you agree to date him.

But I’m doing it

because my brother is the

most wonderful person I know.

He has always been like so

avuncular to all of us,

and I know the woman that

marries him will be the luckiest

in the world. He is loving and

caring and rich. I know you’re a

good person too. Both of you fit

each other well. I hope you

consider it.


She actually stopped reading it after the first line. There was no time to consider agent and client applications. If her brother did not have a direct interest, he should not get a direct attention either.


I have wrote to you before and

I have wrote on your wall today

and now I am writing you

again. See my determination

now. You know it is only a man

that knows the woman who is

the bone of his bone that

doesn’t wander about like other

men. Please let us take this

thing very serious. If you tell

me yes now, I can marry you

today-today. I’m not going

anywhere. I’m still waiting for



And then another one…


My name is Pastor Jude

Ngwaba of the Holy Spirit

Ministries. In fact I felt

something touch me in the

middle of the night. I thought it

was an attack, but the feeling

was sweet and pleasuring. I

ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the

meaning to me, and the

almighty showed me your face.

I did not understand it then. I

just began to pray and pray. I

was praying in tongues until

this morning. I was then

divinely directed to just check

my Instagram. Lo and behold, I

saw the same face I saw last


Rhonda said she had stopped reading and screamed, SCAM!!! How did people feel at ease trifling with God like this? She wondered. To think the person probably had ardent religious followers was just beyond her. She wasn’t even going to waste any moment dignifying his sham of a vision. She deleted his message at once.


Hello Rhonda Nneji! First let

me just say thank you for the

opportunity to speak my mind.

But let us be real, you can’t

believe anything that anybody

says here. People will lie and

make themselves big to

deceive you. They will say the

things that they’re not. You

cannot know who is lying and

who is not, or who is serious

and who is wasting time. I’m

not going to convince you that

I’m different, I want you to find

out by yourself. Just put me on

probation for three months, or

even six months. You will see

that you will love me because I

can love you well and treat you

like a woman and give you

everything you need.


This was obviously a lazy person. Not only was he clueless, but he wished to be considered over everyone else without merit. He was right no one could be trusted here, but what made him deserve a chance of probation above all the others? As far as Rhonda was concerned he was the worst kind of partner. He didn’t deserve the ten seconds she just spent reading through what he wrote.


Hi Rhonda, My name is

Michael Evans, and I’m a web

developer. I live in Lagos. I like

to spend my spare time

reading books or exploring the

wonders of other fields that are

alien to me. I also consider

myself a gentle and godly

person. When I read your post

this morning, I hoped I could be

the one who makes it all worth

it for you. This hope is my


For Rhonda, this one was a winner, a definite yes for this stage. His flow was cool, and he gave some details to work with. His grammar had good command too. Without having to try, he met the conditions of conduct and content. She listed him right away, hoping for more of the same.


Hey Sweetie! I don’t know if

you swing this way, but we can

run this shit quietly and no

one’s gonna be the wiser. Trust

me, having a sexually liberal

mind brings you more business

opportunities than you can ever

imagine. I’m just an admirer

who’s got the hots for you

since forever. Lemme know if

you consider this adventure.

She shook her head. Another waste of time. She was beginning to convince herself that she would have to start skipping over them after the first lines. She still had tons of them to vet, and so far only a few had enough sense to make the cut.

I asked her if she would get back in touch with any of them. She said she would if she actually thought any of them merited it, and went on to add that it worked the same way for almost every girl. For now she would block everyone of them.

I asked why she didn’t just ignore, and Rhonda said the one thing more annoying that their opening lines were the entitled follow-ups that would later ensue.

But that’s story for another day.




About The Author

Kingsley Alaribe is a Digital Marketer with 1stNews, and writes the weekly column, Strangers and Lovers. He is also a Data Scientist. Email: [email protected]

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