One way to go about getting yourself a girl in Lagos is sliding into her DM. I met up with a friend with whom I’d be discussing this matter, and Rhonda told me I’d be amazed at the variety of sliding she’d seen in her time.
Some, she said, slid like moon walkers; others, like footballers after a magnificent goal; and then there was the hopeless group best referred to as the Egungun in Obesere’s song. Her classification whet my appetite so well, I was looking forward to the rare pass in her DM like a new season of my favorite television show long before we met up in her house.
And when we did, as the cops would request, we began at the beginning.
Hi Rhonda, my name is Sola
Kosofe. I’ve been following you
since I joined Instagram, and I
read all the news on your blog
everyday. I have been in love
with you for a very long time,
but I thought I will never get the
chance to express myself. It’s
not because you’re beautiful, or
successful, I just love
everything about you. I know
many people will be writing you
and saying all sorts, I just hope
that you will be able to see that
I am the one that can die for
you. Please consider my
request. I will be expecting
your reply. Bye for now.
Rhonda said she wanted to throw up after reading that. She didn’t like how cheesy he sounded, to begin with. Maybe some girls wouldn’t mind that, but it was his misfortune that she was the one reading it. Also, no girl wants to be with a cyber stalker, especially not even one who antagonizes other people taking interest in her. And all that die-for-you talk just made him sound occultic.
She screened him out.
Hi, I know that a woman like
you don’t need a man that will
want to be controlling her. I will
let you do anything you want. If
you want to go out, I will not
stop you. If you want to work, I
will not tell you that you should
go and cook. I know that
people will be saying many
things but the most important
thing is maturity. Please let me
love you with maturity.
Rhonda was laughing at how much of the point this one missed. Not only is his idea of maturity unbelievable, but the thought that a strong, independent woman wants to live without responsibility makes him exactly the kind of person to run away from.
Hey Rhonda, I really never do
this, but I’m coming out of my
shell for the first time to slide
because the juice is worth the
squeeze. There’s so much
about myself I would like to tell
you, but it will be more
convenient to do during a date.
So I’m asking, may I have
lunch with you sometime?
Rhonda shook her head in disapproval. He wrote well, which was quite refreshing, considering the junk she had been putting up with. However, when you begin by saying you never do something that you’re about to do, you just sound dishonest. Also you have to impress with this one chance, not use it to ask for a second chance to make a late first impression.
You snooze, you lose.
She screened him too.
Hello Rhonda, my name is
Bassey Archibong. I’m a lawyer
and a novelist. I have risen to
the level of partner in my firm,
being the high flyer that I am.
And my books have sold a
handsome number of copies
globally. I have also been
nominated for upcoming
awards in the next quarter of
this year. I am convinced you
and I are the most perfect fit.
Since we share a deep love for
the same kind of art, our
compatibility quotient will
definitely be over the roof. If
this makes sense to you, as it
makes all the sense in the
world to me, I shall be glad to
propose our first dinner
Rhonda yawned. Only one thing wrong with Bassey Archibong: he was boring. He would probably get a kick out of staying home all weekend, quoting Shakespeare and Milton, but that will bring a girl’s nightmare to life.
He was out.
So you’re putting yourself out
there to see what happens. I
think that’s frightful. But more, I
think it’s fun. And I want to
come with you, if you’ll have
Rhonda smiled. She didn’t trust this one because he sounded too smooth, but she liked him. He was easy and direct without coming off as desperate.
She listed him.
Hi, my name is Amaka.
I’m writing you on
behalf of my brother.
He doesn’t know I’m
doing this, and he won’t
know unless you agree to date him.
But I’m doing it
because my brother is the
most wonderful person I know.
He has always been like so
avuncular to all of us,
and I know the woman that
marries him will be the luckiest
in the world. He is loving and
caring and rich. I know you’re a
good person too. Both of you fit
each other well. I hope you
She actually stopped reading it after the first line. There was no time to consider agent and client applications. If her brother did not have a direct interest, he should not get a direct attention either.
I have wrote to you before and
I have wrote on your wall today
and now I am writing you
again. See my determination
now. You know it is only a man
that knows the woman who is
the bone of his bone that
doesn’t wander about like other
men. Please let us take this
thing very serious. If you tell
me yes now, I can marry you
today-today. I’m not going
anywhere. I’m still waiting for
And then another one…
My name is Pastor Jude
Ngwaba of the Holy Spirit
Ministries. In fact I felt
something touch me in the
middle of the night. I thought it
was an attack, but the feeling
was sweet and pleasuring. I
ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the
meaning to me, and the
almighty showed me your face.
I did not understand it then. I
just began to pray and pray. I
was praying in tongues until
this morning. I was then
divinely directed to just check
my Instagram. Lo and behold, I
saw the same face I saw last
Rhonda said she had stopped reading and screamed, SCAM!!! How did people feel at ease trifling with God like this? She wondered. To think the person probably had ardent religious followers was just beyond her. She wasn’t even going to waste any moment dignifying his sham of a vision. She deleted his message at once.
Hello Rhonda Nneji! First let
me just say thank you for the
opportunity to speak my mind.
But let us be real, you can’t
believe anything that anybody
says here. People will lie and
make themselves big to
deceive you. They will say the
things that they’re not. You
cannot know who is lying and
who is not, or who is serious
and who is wasting time. I’m
not going to convince you that
I’m different, I want you to find
out by yourself. Just put me on
probation for three months, or
even six months. You will see
that you will love me because I
can love you well and treat you
like a woman and give you
everything you need.
This was obviously a lazy person. Not only was he clueless, but he wished to be considered over everyone else without merit. He was right no one could be trusted here, but what made him deserve a chance of probation above all the others? As far as Rhonda was concerned he was the worst kind of partner. He didn’t deserve the ten seconds she just spent reading through what he wrote.
Hi Rhonda, My name is
Michael Evans, and I’m a web
developer. I live in Lagos. I like
to spend my spare time
reading books or exploring the
wonders of other fields that are
alien to me. I also consider
myself a gentle and godly
person. When I read your post
this morning, I hoped I could be
the one who makes it all worth
it for you. This hope is my
For Rhonda, this one was a winner, a definite yes for this stage. His flow was cool, and he gave some details to work with. His grammar had good command too. Without having to try, he met the conditions of conduct and content. She listed him right away, hoping for more of the same.
Hey Sweetie! I don’t know if
you swing this way, but we can
run this shit quietly and no
one’s gonna be the wiser. Trust
me, having a sexually liberal
mind brings you more business
opportunities than you can ever
imagine. I’m just an admirer
who’s got the hots for you
since forever. Lemme know if
you consider this adventure.
She shook her head. Another waste of time. She was beginning to convince herself that she would have to start skipping over them after the first lines. She still had tons of them to vet, and so far only a few had enough sense to make the cut.
I asked her if she would get back in touch with any of them. She said she would if she actually thought any of them merited it, and went on to add that it worked the same way for almost every girl. For now she would block everyone of them.
I asked why she didn’t just ignore, and Rhonda said the one thing more annoying that their opening lines were the entitled follow-ups that would later ensue.
But that’s story for another day.