Happy New Year people.
I made a solemn promise to myself to be a good writer this year. This means I will write things that are uplifting and sensible. Things that will make this world a better place. Honourable things. Things that will make people nod and say “This woman went to school.”
Beht just like all New Year’s resolutions, I have fallen back to my old naughty ways of writing things that make people wonder if my head is correct (and it took me just one day into the New Year to fall).
Izz correct o, sometimes. Once in a while. Certainly not today.
A Jos friend of mine put up a viral picture from Bellanaija of about 5 handsome Hausa looking guys at an event. They were very good looking men and she said something about the Yoruba demons having nothing on the Hausa demons.
As someone who spent the better part of her life schooling and living in the north, I felt the onus (funny word) was on me to throw more light on the elusive but very real Hausa demons.
Let me tell you that as bad as the Yoruba guys are (read my article on them here) they have nothing, nothing, nothing…… (in Whitney Houston’s voice) on the Hausa guys. The Hausa guys are the worst in the whole bunch. You will know that following them is going to hell in a first class jet but you will denounce your parents, certificates and even religion, wear a veil and follow them if they ask you. Especially when they ask with that soft sweet lilting accent that is like pure honey being poured on a stack of pancakes.
Hausa boys are first off the finest of the lot. By Hausa, I mean the actual Hausa guys, the Fulani guys, the Kanuri guys etc etc. See white eyeballs, straight nose, fine baby hair at the nape of their necks… chai!!
My first year in the university (Abubakar Tafawa Balewa University in Bauchi not to be confused with ABU Zaria) was an interesting one. I went to an all-girls missionary school so this was my first time in a place with all kind of guys. My best friend in school and I didn’t know anyone outside her two brothers. We spent our first month in school grading guys. We were two Christian girls that dressed very decently with normal teen minds. We scored guys based on three things.
- Their looks
- Their height
- How they dressed.
It was a difficult, thankless job but we did our best and worked out a quick formula. I will tell you that the Hausa guys topped the list. There was this dude that scored 5. He was very good looking and dressed ok but he was short. We called him fiver. He was a Kano guy and was mixed race. The skin, the eyes, the swag… I had a huge crush on him but he did not know I existed … till one day.
He was neighbours with my friend’s brother. I was standing in front of my friend’s brother’s room and the guy was leaning over the wall smoking and brooding. He was never going to pay any attention to me. I was semi-Deeper Life then. And he was everything we had been warned about in church. He was a Muslim and obviously a wordly one.
I was aware of him but I tried not to ogle.
Then he said ‘hello’.
Forget mallam and PMB English; that is not the koko. A real well -chooled Hausa guy can melt your dross with just one sentence. They sound tentative, intelligent and even slightly vulnerable (that vulnerability is an act o… real predators.)
He sounded like Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa (You should find videos on yo0tube). It was a polished almost British accent without the ridiculous put on sing-song tone that people try to fake.
“Jesu, what is this? How can I fall yakata in my first month in school? All the training, the advice and prayers… just one hello and I am shaking like someone that is being electrocuted.”
I managed to answer back. My lips felt dry so I would lick them occasionally. I got talking with this guy and it got even worse.
You know how Yoruba guys can lie ba? They will pretend they have money here and there or that they go to London for summer holidays and all that? Well, the Hausa guys are not lying when they talk about these things. It is not even bragging.
“There is this lovely place in Vienna…”
You can’t remember where Vienna is but you say nothing so you don’t sound bush and listen raptly. They are well travelled and very informed. I know the typical stereotype of Hausa guys are intolerant fanatics that carry scimitars under their kaftans; forget that thing joor. You have not met the real Hausa guys.
So this guy, ‘fiver’, had been everywhere. I pieced that together from bits of conversations we had. It slipped casually in conversations. Sometimes when we saw he would greet me in French or the Russian language… I would ask. He did things like bow. He listened intently and complimented me. Remember that I was not a hot Jambite. I felt so privileged that he would notice me and spend time with me when there were many pretty girls in school.
He listened respectfully when I talked about my faith and even promised he would give up smoking for me.
In the few months, we were friends, he did not attempt to touch me or kiss me. Though it was clear that he wanted to and was probably biding his time.
But as a Christian girl growing up in the North, we had been warned about Muslim guys. The only thing was that they got it all wrong. They spoke about Alhaji’s using charms and money to deceive girls. It was not like that o. These Hausa guys can be romantic like nothing else. The charm was not a physical one. They are excellent sweet talkers.
A Yoruba guy may have a lot of talk but a Hausa guy will put his money behind his talk. And it is no biggie. He will drop an iPhone for you like he plucked it from a tree without even seeing the lace edge of your paiynt. While a Yoruba guy will become restless after buying meatpie for you because he is afraid you will abscond without him getting anything.
Back to fiver, he wrote poetry. I mean real poetry. He would write me stuff and perform it to me. I would sit down like one madam and clap at the end. My people, it was a close call but home training won.
I preached to him one day and ran away.
That was how I almost became Hajiya Zainab Abiodun Abdullahi or something like that.
I learnt to stay away from them. But many girls could not.
Another thing that I am told about these Hausa guys is that they are well endowed. I am told ni o… The lankier the ehm ehm plentier… or something like that.
Did you see Idimi flashing those his dimples at his wedding to Zahra? Were you not tempted to offer your ovaries to him there and then till you remembered that you were a dude and not gay?
So imagine all that unleashed on a girl. Walahi Talahi, the girl does not stand a chance.
Lastly, if my husband is reading this, honey, you are in a class of your own… you are even a tenner. I made Efo riro tonight. Forget all those things I said about my crush almost 2 decades ago.
After all these years I can finally admit to myself. Fiver was probably the lone predator that watches out for weak prey. When a dude like that goes for the unpopular ordinary girl, he is probably just looking for an easy kill.
Happy New Year again, I promise to try and have sense this year.
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