How to fix a relationship when it gets dull

How to fix a relationship when it gets dull


Long-term relationships tend to lose their luster when two people start to engage in a “Fantasy Bond.”


A fantasy bond is a term coined by Dr. Robert Firestone describing a state two people enter, in which they relate as a single unit.

In this state, the couple stops seeing each other as autonomous individuals.

They stop showing respect and love for each other and, instead, relate out of form.

When in a fantasy bond, a couple will often start to project onto each other and relate to each other based on projections from their own past.

A distance will start to grow, as they stop engaging in acts of affection, love, and appreciation. Instead, they will simply “go through the motions” of being a couple.

To avoid falling into a fantasy bond or to break free from these patterns, we can think about how we might be projecting onto our partners based on our past.

Are you treating your partner as a parental figure?

Are you seeing yourself as a victim in the relationship?

We tend to recreate old dynamics from our childhood in our current relationships.

Identifying these tendencies, allows us to break from them. When we stop projecting onto our partners, we can see them and appreciate them for who they truly are.


We can rekindle feelings of love by refusing to become deadened in our relationship. Ways to do this include:

  • Breaking habits
  • Trying new things
  • Being open to giving and receiving affection
  • Staying alive to our sexuality
  • Respecting our partner
  • Refusing to place unnecessary restrictions on our partner
  • Avoiding acting on extreme jealousy or insecurity
  • Keeping friendships with people of both sexes
  • Taking time to make eye contact and talk to your partner

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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