I love fights – beefs, twitter cuss outs, cat fights, roforofo, you name it.
When I see two people exchanging words and being held back, my first instinct is to park and watch. You know those high school movies that kids begin to chant ‘fight, fight, fight’; I would be the one with the loudest voice but I would stand at the back… I am Yoruba.
If you don’t know, we Yoruba are not keen on fights that go beyond the verbal. We are not cowards o! We are just hesitant to walk into obvious danger. In any case, all I am saying is I don’t like fighting but I will watch a good fight so long as my personal security is not compromised and it is not boxing (I just don’t get boxing… men are ridiculous).
I follow celebrity spats. I am almost ashamed to admit that if there is but a whiff of a twitter fight I am there in the front row eating popcorn praying it gets really dirty. The only person that never got me excited with all her rants was Amanda Bynes. Though I felt a slight curious tingle when she asked Drake to commit genital homicide on her, I mostly just feel sad at her very obvious mental struggles.
But when it is Amber Rose vs Khloe, Kim, Kendall and Kanye Kardashian, I cannot sleep from keeping vigil on their feeds. May I say Amber won that one fair and square? She throws shade bigger and wider than an Iroko tree. Not even Kanye’s showering her off his body can rock that woman’s butt…sorry, I mean, boat!!!
I barely glanced at the Wiz Kid and Skales twitter squabble. I am in my late 30s, even I know when to draw the line and watching kids fight is so low… just kidding! I followed it too and I think it was a tie. There was talk about it being a PR thing, I found that annoying.
I remember the first time someone told me that WWF was all acting. It was heart breaking. Though I should have known when that 123 kid, as scrawny as he was, won some fights. So now to protect myself, I watch and wait awhile to know if it is a genuine fight or play acting.
I will tell you though, I have considered retiring, there is something creepy about feeding off people’s disagreements. It was the Toyin vs Stella Damasus fight that really got me thinking. Apparently Toyin said some things about Stella, her stay in America, her taking someone’s husband and Stella did not find it funny even though she laughed a lot when she replied, it never reached her eyes. (How do I know? trust me, tatafo experience…) It cannot be fun that people feel they have a right to comment or bring to light an individual’s personal struggles for the world to see which is why I think Fashion police is just plain cruelty. I would hate for anyone to trace my every pore with a magnifying glass and then call me weed smoker (yes darling Giuliana Rancic nee Depandi… that was below the belt. But come to think of it, I have never walked the red carpet but I have been called a weed smoker. It did not feel as bad as I thought it would.)
I feel for them, it is a tough life being criticized every single move one makes. But then again, as they keep showing us the bits of their fabulous lives, in private jets, spanking new cars, new endorsement deals and vacations at Ibiza (the real one o, not the one at zone 4 Abuja), the price of bearing our criticism is but a small one. And I feel guilty saying this but when their marriages fail, when they have wardrobe malfunctions (such that their splayed crotches are on the couch) when they meet the president, when they call out Buhari and get tongue lashed for voicing personal opinions, when bosom record label buddies split etc etc when sha, they have their problems, there is a secret pleasure I feel.
Life is fair after all, nobody has it all.
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