I want to be a kept woman by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I want to be a kept woman by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I desperately want to be a kept woman. I am not talking about a mistress. I am talking about a full time homemaker abi na housewife.

kept 2

Whoever thought of these traditional roles should be awarded a prize.. It makes real sense. Man bring money, woman use money; is the ideal for me.

Yes I am a bright woman, educated and all. I don’t think I was cut out for this rat race. I dislike driving, especially, in Lagos. I do not enjoy forcing my two tiny tots to go to school when I started school at the age of five all because I can’t bear the thought of leaving them alone with nannies all day. There is this thing that happens in my office when there is an event. The women flow with their natural role and serve the men while the men discuss important things (too complicated for us to understand) and laugh at ribald jokes. I completely hate that this role is forced on me without any equivalent compensation. I should have just stayed at home and served my husband who can reciprocate in other ways.

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I hate balancing the responsibilities of a full time housewife with those of a full time worker. I don’t even get it when women clamor for all these responsibilities.

I want to be a full time housewife.

Not an ‘anyhow’ type o. Not the one that will be crying and waiting for oga to come and settle all the bills. The one that gets N2, 000 a month to cook delicious meals, buy household products, buy gas and still have change. That one is not a housewife; that is  pure unadulterated slavery.

He first of all, has to be stinking rich. I mean reeking of currencies. Swimming in filthy cash. And by this please, I don’t mean blood money o. It can be government money though, anyway you look at it, na my money too. Secondly, he must be generous! All that money is wasted if you can’t access it.

What would I do with all that time? “You will be bored”

Keep quiet! If I hear tah……

Do you know that maintenance on a woman is a full time job? Do you know that caring for a household is a full time job?

First of all I can’t take care of myself and the house and the children alone, it is too difficult.

I will need staff. A driver, a nanny, a housekeeper, a gardener and a cook. What will I be doing when I have all this help? I will be coordinating my staff. My time will be used doing things that matter.

I will have a pedicure and manicure once a week;

A full body scrub and all the works in a spa once a month.

A weekly massage so as to make me relaxed enough to deal with all the stress of managing a home and so that I can be the best wife I can be.

I will change my hairstyle every 2 weeks or as when needed. Gotta look pretty for my man.

I would have to have a wardrobe stylist, makeup artist and a hairstylist. Looking good does not come cheap ask Toke Makinwa.

My children and I will spend quality time together uninterrupted by the daily stress of chores. I will be able to train them the way that I want.

I will organize dinner parties for friends and associates. I can finally be fully involved in the welfare department of my church and giving back to the community.

I will have adequate time to travel. The world was made to be seen. During school breaks especially summer, my kids and I will rotate the table globe and anywhere we touch, we will visit (except for those pesky Middle Eastern people that have NO CHILL)

You would say that my days may not still be occupied, you would be right.

kept

Once in a while I would go for cooking courses, crotchet classes, book clubs, poetry nights etc

In the event that I feel a need to pretend that I am part of the working class, I will open a boutique in a highbrow area. It will be a convenient place for my friends to drop by and chat and buy my overpriced items not because they need them but because they want to show me that they can afford them. I will sell Dubai Gold too. I know nothing about it, but it sounds like fun.

I know you are wondering why I haven’t said anything about my billionaire husband. He deserves his own chapter.

First of all, I will have adequate time to pray that God preserves his billions. I would not want to imagine life without them. I have a cook but I will personally be in charge of cooking for him (I don’t want him to be poisoned or charmed… he is a catch). I will then go to all those classes that teach tantric sex or do an in depth study on Kama sutra and other ancients arts that teach how to pleasure the human body. All those young girls will have nothing on me. I will hire Scarlett Johansson’s personal trainer and be vegan and visit Dr Rey and anyone else that will slow down wear and tear.  My husband WILL be obsessed with me. He is the head, body and tail of the home, in fact I will buy a throne for him if he so wishes. I will call him my lord as Sarah did (remember Abraham was no poor man).

Phew I could go on and on.

Till that time comes, make I go baff my children joor.

 

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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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4 Comments

  1. Viola

    Lol! If wishes were horses, better luck next time. First off, next time, position yourself for a royal marriage!

    Reply

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