The internet will kill your relationship by Viola Okolie

The internet will kill your relationship by Viola Okolie

Do you need bad relationship advice? Extremely horrible tips on how to make yourself appear desperately needy, icily impenetrable or stupidly indecipherable?

If you answered yes to all the above, then search no further than the internet where you will find cringe worthy relationship opinions that embarrass you for stopping by to read.


This particular person for instance, exuding indescribable “wisdom”, posited that the angle you stand while taking pictures with your spouse determines whether the wife would be bossy (apparently, if the woman stands behind the man to take a picture, the answer to that is yes – and you the man sitting down in front of your wife, are a wimp); whether the wife is being manipulated (errrr, if he has his hands around her shoulders, then yes); or even if he likes missionary style (don’t ask, won’t tell even if you asked nicely)!

Aside from reading some relationship advice and cringing, I have also always wondered how unlicensed counselors could sit and dish out all sorts of conflicting advice from day to day, but even more amazed at the intelligence of the ones who sit and lap it all up and take it a notch further by actually sharing and implementing. Do not get me wrong, some advice are sterling quality, but some others just dabble in and out of it at will and it makes you stop to wonder; is there an ignoble award for the worst adviser on social media? Is there a “most divorces achieved by dispensing stupid advice” olympics?

Anyways, in my honest opinion, there are some categories of people that if you find dispensing marriage advice, you have my permission to stop by their pages and laugh in their faces.

  1. The Newlyweds – Seriously, at this juncture, you do not even know what marriage is all about. You have just entered the honeymoon phase, even if you have dated for centuries before finally deciding to legalise all your kurukere waka, youhave never even see pekem for marriage and relationship matter. Where then do you get off, one week after your wedding, making posts advising women on how to manage their husbands? How to suck up to his insecurities and patch up his inadequacies?

Go siddon jare…

Get back to us after seven unbroken years without either party packing out of the house in anger, flinging a shoe at the other, refusing to eat the other’s food or cutting side osho in order to “spite” the other. Matter of fact, I have observed that even those who have gone through ages of living together still tell you that there are no hard and fast rules to marriage and advice you to take it one day at a time.

But little Missy just got a ring, and that – is just like a mason who after one day of apprenticeship, decides to build a skyscraper all by himself. Verdict – On Ya Own!

  1. Single ladies in their late 30s to early 50s – I honestly do not know what is wrong with this group, but I navigate their pages like a mine filled field! Haba! All these tactics you are sharing and not a single man has asked you “how much”, not to mention pricing, and you are busy, gleefully dishing out increasingly rabid variations of the same attitude that has ensured you are still unhappily unmarried and even when you finally manage to snag one hapless young man, would transit into being unhappily married and from there into being unhappily divorced?

Hian o! I want to ask biko, what is wrong with being single, loving your singleness and just enjoying it? Leave the dispensing of bad advice alone until you have found the formula that works for you (if marriage is what rocks your boat), snagged a man and done what I have advised the first group to do? Waited at least 7 years before bending our ears with all sorts of useless advice?

  1. Divorce(e)s – Honestly, before you venture into the realm of dispensing relationship advice, get healing and therapy for the reason why yours failed. I am going to be nice on this group and say, even if you were the victim of violence or mistreatment, you really, truly need to heal. While you are healing, stay away from dispensing advice. Most times, the first few lines, and everyone has sussed you out.


  1. Pimply Gangly, teenage to early 20s Boys – Yup! I said “boys”. You do know that relationships have more to them than Sex? And ladies breasts? And bottoms? You do know that you do not mention the words “money” and “love” in the same sentence do you?

Except you are paying for it, then it is no longer “love” in the strictest sense of it?

Or you are being paid in which instance you are just a gigolo? A toyboy?

Seriously, I think that, perhaps, dispensers of marriage and relationship advice need to be regulated. They should pass through some sort of education and receive some sort of certificate and take an oath to abide by the sontinsontinsontin of their professional etceteraetcetera.

Too many people quote the internet like they quote the Holy Books these days, and implement suggestions taken from there with stricter adherence than they do those taken from the same Holy Books. You wouldn’t take medical advice from someone whose only encounter with a hospital is for malaria shots would you? Or agree to undergo surgery at their hands?

Why then do you happily implement relationship advice dispensed by quacks?


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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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