IN JAND EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE’S MISS WORLD by Toni Kan

IN JAND EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE’S MISS WORLD by Toni Kan

This is why I like Nigeria; you know your place.

If you are slim, you know you are Lepa.lepa and orobo

If you are fat like me, you know you are Orobofatso

If you are not fine, you know you are wor-wor.
MAMUS

If you are fine you know you are a fine gehl!!!

It’s that easy.OROBO DANCING

Before I got married I had this girl friend whose Auntie used to refer to me as “that ugly boy.” Ehen now! She was speaking the truth. I was skinny and ugly as ever.

But in Jand, no way. Every babe you meet here is a Shan’t Gree. (Shall not agree.) This is a country in which every woman believes she is a potential Miss World. It doesn’t matter whether she has ugly wigs that leave her looking like Medussa or thunder thighs that threaten to burst her jeans with every step. No, here in Jand, every woman believes she is Miss World.

At the Carnival on Monday, my friend who was attending for the first time said he almost broke his neck from looking. “I have never seen fine girls like this before in one place at the same time and all of them are half caste.”

Well, maybe he wasn’t just looking because they were fine. Maybe it was because they were half naked.

But truth be told there are fine babes in Jand; fine, luscious and lovable babes but it’s not all beauty. Some of them were made as ugly as possible and then hit in the head to produce a snarl.

“Why do African women make their hair like this?” my friend asked pointing to a black woman with an expired mop on her head.

“Fashion” I said.

“Why, God has given black women beautiful hair.”

I looked at him and wondered what the problem was. Since God made man, man has been on an unending quest to help God recreate himself.

Here in Jand, a fat babe will leave her house dressed in the skimpiest and tightest outfit she can lay her fat fingers on. And then she would draw the line from one brow to another and end up looking like Frida Kahlo and her uni-brow.

And she wouldn’t sit in one corner like an orobo Naija babe would. No way. She would occupy centre stage then proceed to catwalk, strike that, Elephant walk.

Is it confidence or is it delusion? I don’t know but what I know is that every trip across London leaves me wishing for things to be clearly defined; lepa, orobo, wor-wor or fine; know thy place.

pj and lepa

 

 

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

Related posts

4 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *