Karma is not a bitch – Viola Okolie

Karma is not a bitch – Viola Okolie

When people say, “Karma is a bitch”, I shake my head and think to myself: This is someone who has never come in close contact with Karma.

You have never had the chance to stare Karma straight in the eyes and for one split second before it’s raised hand thumps down on your cheek think: “uh oh”.

Maybe Karma should be labelled more accurately, as a bitch rider – a pimp.

So you break away from your pimp and go running wild with your “freedom of opinion, speech and actions” and just when you are done releasing your flatus and soiling everyone’s ambience with the stench flowing from the untamed abyss of ignorance, you waltz off into the sunset and think a new vista is about to open up for you – the big, bad ass, opinionated nigger. Right.



Well, just wait till that pimp swash buckles right back into your life when you least expect it, drags you off whatever high you are temporarily experiencing and proceeds to knock the gospel into (or out of) you. Then, you will come to the sad realization that Karma should not under any pretenses whatsoever, be labelled a *bitch*. It doesn’t take… it gives and gives and gives until you have “received” sense.

The internet begets free speech but unfortunately, free speech is not always a close ally of common sense, as became painfully clear in the dissection to stupor of the Esse Oruru misadventure by social media armchair analysts, over the past few days.

In case you missed it, a brief background:

Mid last year, a 13 year old girl goes missing from Bayelsa. Her distraught parents receive a tip off that a certain Yinusa had taken the girl across state lines to Kano, apparently to contract a sham marriage with the minor. Said Yinusa calls the parents, taunting them that he has made away with their daughter and no force on the face of this earth will reunite them with her. The parents made a couple of trips to retrieve their daughter, but each trip hit a solid wall because their daughter had “voluntarily” converted to Islam, changed her name and was therefore under new laws, new rules… Or so the pedophiles claimed.

Luckily, an NGO threw its weight behind the parents of the kidnapped young girl Esse Oruru, and a social media campaign kicked off. With Punch newspapers investigations, a smelly can of worms roping in traditional and religious rulers slowly begins to regurgitate its contents.

And internet’s underbelly begins to throw up its vilest.

I do not think this is about religion even though whether we would like to admit it to ourselves or not, there has been a trend of missing girls suddenly popping up behind palace walls, claiming undying love for their abductors and a change in religion; I do think that in a country as multi-faceted as Nigeria, it shows a marked disregard and disrespect of conflicting cultures for all sorts of voltrons to suddenly pop out of the woodwork, and attempt to drown common sense with different gray matter destroying levels of retard-ese.

Of course as always happens in situations like these, while genuine noise, chatter and questioning is going on; dumb-ese swells and as social media “likes”, “retweets” and “shares” increases, the purveyor of the sense of the dead undead does not pause to consider if by the words they contribute, they have not made themselves prime targets for karma hunting season.

For example:

= Ethnic Sociopath: At what age were you disvirgined? (Real question thrown my way)I am sure you were disvirgined at 11 or 12. Now you are complaining that we are actually marrying one of your ugly sisters at 13? Is it not better that we marry her than that she turns out to be a single parent, ashawo like you? I even blame Yinusa for not marrying one of our fine Fulani princesses.

= Religious Psychopath: She is now Aisha Chuwas, she has changed her name. If you don’t like it, go and hug a transformer. She is now a new person under a new name. We give out our daughters in marriage as from 8 years old. Instead of them to start visiting false prophets begging for husband when they get to be as old and helpless as you are, let them marry now. You should be grateful to us for taking her from you and introducing her to the only true religion.

= Self-righteous Mother Earth: This is a product of failed parenting. Where was the mother when this girl was busy going out to mix up with this man? Ah, the parents have failed. My own child is only two years old, but she knows better than to run off with anybody when adolescent hormones start raging. I am a good mother. Don’t be like Esse’s mother, be like me!

= Gullible Keyboard Warrior: Okay, they just released an audio recording of a voice that has not spent a single day outside the walls of Kano city, claiming to be Esse and giving her age as 17 years as opposed to confirmation by the entire universe that Esse should be 14 years old now. If she is 17, there is no fuss, which settles it. She should remain in Kano with her kidnappers. Enjoy herself. Make babies with her abductors. Where is my broom? Change!

To think that an erstwhile highly respected lawyer fell among the last category? What do they make halos out of these days? Marijuana?

See, there is something fundamentally wrong with a country that moves in rapid succession from one sensationalism to the other without an iota of shame. And as we struggle to defend the indefensible, we sadly reveal that for a depressing number of us, deep down in the depths of our souls lies this deep-seated blackness that no amount of industrial grade bleach can scrub off.

But there is one consolation for me though, Karma!

Please don’t tell me Karma does not exist. I already have to live with the disillusion of “change” and the present reality of a real life Minister of (mis)Information. If I have to contend with the fact that Karma will not be around somewhere in the future to give these lost souls of the internet a good shafting, I might as well just lose my mind (or whatever is left of it), this instant.

Karma will get them all and God willing, there will be no lubricants involved.

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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