I was having a conversation with a good friend about marital sex.
I wrote an article a couple of weeks ago explaining why married women are not enthusiastic about sex with their spouses. My bottom line was that women need men to much more involved and in tune with the domestic issues and their mental state to be able to have sex with them. Now this conversation was an extension of that article I wrote.
Also, I told her that if I wasn’t in the mood for sex, I would say no to it.
She was appalled. She said that it was her primary obligation to her husband to give him sex; whether she is in the mood or not. I understood her. After all, it is an old message we have heard over and over again. Give the husband sex or he will get it outside the home. I tried to argue with her. A man with a roving eye… or abi na roving gbola will always rove despite getting it at home. She agreed but said that she would never be founding lacking in her primary responsibility.
Subsequently, the conversation became her trying to persuade me that it is wrong to say no to sex in a marriage. I tried to listen to her with an open mind. No one is too old to learn.
She talked about men’s libido being naturally high. In fact, she said as we were both married to Igbo men, they apparently have high libidos. She said that if she refused sex to her husband; he would wonder what why she is his wife and would rescind on taking care of the bills.
“Why should I take care of you if you will not give me sex?”
But I argued with her that our values are beyond sex and these men know it. And not being in the mood is not a crime.
Consequently, the conversation took an interesting turn. I asked her if a woman was being sexually starved by husband had the right to seek it somewhere else. She said that women are wired differently. That sex does very little for women.
I immediately understood the situation better.
She said that sex meant nothing to women. Men are the ones that enjoy it. She said that she doesn’t know what it means to ‘cum’ or have and an orgasm. That women don’t see the enjoyment in sex.
I immediately understood why our mindsets were different. Sex is her duty and obligation to her husband. It is something she does solely for him. She has been married for almost 10years without understanding that sex could be pleasurable.
I told her that this is very different from me. That I strongly believe that sex should be mutually beneficial. I don’t ‘give’ it to my husband. It is something we do together with the aim of mutual pleasure. I told her I don’t fake pleasure anymore. I say anymore because when I first got married, I thought it make my husband feel good I had to pretend sometimes.
This was until I had a good discussion with a friend who had been married for longer.
She talked frankly about sex and enjoying it. I got married a virgin so I hadn’t experimented. She explained some things to me and even bought a bullet vibrator for me. Of course, I took it to my husband. We are open and experimental, hence the possibility of pleasure is always there.
Meanwhile, the statistics make it clear that without foreplay or the use of sex toys; fingers or hands to stimulate the clitoris, up to 75% of women will never have an orgasm. There is even a 10 to 15% of women that won’t even have one with the aid of all these things. That leaves a tiny percentage of women who can get an orgasm just from penetrative sex.
So, what does this tell you? If you are just pounding your wife, she will most likely never cum. She would probably fake it. Women need a lot more to have an orgasm.
Many women do not enjoy sex. Either their partners have refused to educate themselves or do not care about the pleasure of their partners. Does this explain why a lot of married women are not interested in sex? If something isn’t pleasurable, you will not be eager to do it.
Indeed, I was stunned to know that a woman pushing 40 and has been married for almost 10 years had never had her body explored by her husband to know what works for her. It makes marriage feel so unfair. What does a woman benefit from it if it is tailored to make life comfortable and stress free for the men and the woman being the person to dole out this comfort. What about her and her needs?
Some men think the use of sex toys is an insult to their performance. They see it as a rival. Like they are relegating their relevance to the woman sexually.
However, I don’t agree.
Finding out what works for her and giving it to her is being the best sexual partner you can be. It is not a competition. If your woman is satisfied, you have performed your duty as a man.
But not knowing that your wife doesn’t enjoy sex and can’t tell you means you have failed abundantly.
Keep your pride aside. Open an honest line of communication so that all issues are resolved.
Dear women, sex is for you too.
That is why you can get lubricated. Your body has the capacity to find sex mind-blowing. Life is too short for you not to know what an orgasm is.