My aim is to answer why marriages are crashing. This was something very ambitious I started two Mondays ago.
I feel a bit intimidated right now.
This topic should actually be a trilogy. Volume 1, 2 and 3. It is so multifaceted that no 3 series article can cover.
But it shall not be said that we started something and we did not finish it. So, I reiterate, this is not exhaustive. It simply is the tip of the iceberg.
I said last week that unravelling why marriages fail begins with understanding the premise of such a union… As in, what the individuals hoped would happen once they got married. Also, I pointed out expectations as the biggest obstacle in marriages.
We enter into these marriages and unions with certain expectations that are not met. This dissatisfaction plays a big role in sinking the ship.
The second thing I mentioned but did not expatiate on was how we decide who we choose to marry.
I think that there is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage itself. But something is wrong with what we expect out of marriages and how we choose who to marry.
Who you get married to will determine if such a union will be successful. You cannot yoke yourself up with just
anyone and expect that things will turn out right.
Who you marry is everything. Knowing who you are and the sort of person you need to be with is everything.
Let me highlight some things to be considered when choosing a partner.
Key questions to guide marriages
1. Are you someone that desires and works towards growth? Are you adventurous and not afraid of change? Do you find staying still in one place boring? If the answers to these questions are yes, then why are you chasing after a staid home person?
Do not be taken in with the whole ‘opposites attract’ nonsense. Find a bird and fly together. Don’t be a bird and be chasing after a chicken.
It will never understand your need to fly and you will never be happy on the ground. Your wings were made to conquer the skies. Don’t kill somebody’s child by forcing them off the ledge to fly with you.
2. It is imperative that you understand the underlying values a person has. What are your religious persuasions? What are your cultural backgrounds like? Also, what are your core beliefs?
It isn’t that marriages involving people raised differently won’t work. It is just that they require more work than one with plenty similarities. When love is fresh, it may not seem to matter.
But a few years down the line, cultures and religious beliefs colour a lot of things. Marry someone with the understanding of the things that have moulded them from birth. If not, you will have many issues before you are able to understand each other. In some cases, you may never even understand each other.
3. We place too much importance on how a person looks. We want men who are tall and ripped. Also, we want women with edges and snatched waistlines. Someone even said you need to look closely at a woman’s mother to understand how your girlfriend will age to determine if you will still marry her.
Who you marry is very important
Ridiculous. A pretty face does not make marriages any easier. A handsome man will not make up for a shitty husband. It is great to marry people who we are physically attracted to. But in the scheme of things, that is like 5% of what matters.
We all change how we look as we grow older. It is wickedness to heckle anyone to remain the same. We also pass up really decent human beings simply because they do not look like our fantasies. Do you want to be happy or do you want to look picture perfect?
4. Forget the Cinderella story. I am not for that. I don’t think that crossing a wide berth of social strata is a good thing. Marry someone closer to you.
If your background is really poor, don’t go for a girl from a wealthy home that thinks that flying Economy is poverty. You will burst veins trying to keep her happy. She may not even recognise your effort.
Don’t marry a man that was raised in wealth. The insecurity you will contend with will not be his fault. It will take centuries for you to feel you belong. Indeed, we all know that unless you are a vampire, you don’t have that kind of time.
His family may always look down on yours and that will be a point of contention. He will be the person that ‘changed’ your life and will demand that credit forever. If you are a wealthy woman and you marry a struggling dude, not even love will make him feel comfortable.
You will watch every word you say to him less he feels that you are disrespecting him. A normal couple’s quarrel will not be normal. It will be “because she has money, she is talking to me anyhow.”
5. There are general traits that make it easy to live with another person. Seek out these traits. Look out for kindness. Look out for humility. While at it, look out for a great outlook on life.
A positive energy. A curious spirit. Also, a knowledge-thirsty person. Someone who is not afraid to say ‘I was wrong.’ Someone who is not too proud to say “I am sorry”. And someone that will take your ‘matter’ on their head. Someone that you can reciprocate all these things to.
See, when all fails, it boils down to who a human being is basically. If you marry a toxic person with a snatched waist and huge hips, you will have toxicity to deal with…No backside will make this sweeter.
Never EVER marry a man because of what you see now. Wealth is most of the time a variable. Things happen. A man can be rich day one and then poor day 432. Marry a person you like. When there is no money, at least you know and like who you are with.
Phew! I still feel dissatisfied. There is so much to say that I haven’t even covered.
So last words on this topic. Don’t get married if you are not sure it is something you want to do. A man told me on Saturday that his family kicked against him getting married, he insisted.
Today he is with his wife living together happily. His family are in the village living on their own. His logic was, you get to live with your partner. Be with someone you can live with and not necessarily who your family wants.
Let it be who you can live with.