Confusion is an average Nigerian woman.
First, we all pretend to know what we want; then we realize that what we want may not really be what we want as in: it was what we wanted a few minutes ago, until we realized that if we actually got what we wanted, we may end up not needing it as badly as we wanted it so we have kukuma decided we do not want it again and if anybody calls us on our double standards, we will bite he/she/it/she(m).
Case in point?
“Marriage is not an achievement.”
Until Meghan Markle married Prince Harry, or Dangote who was allegedly in search of a wife, then we grudgingly began to accept that marriage could indeed be an achievement – it all depends on WHO you are planning to marry and how high up the food chain the person is. Of course, because we are Nigerian Facebook Feminists, we also plan to marry and keep our name. None of that “Mrs.” Madness for us, who Mississ help?
Then we realized that one of the names that is bound to open every door on the universe and beyond, is the “Windsor” name. Another one, is the “Dangote” name.
Then we began to prevaricate and look for reasons why we would change our name if we married – even though we still think that “all men are scum”; but you know that some ‘scum are scummer than others’, not so? For instance, when we say “all men are scum” and you ask us “what about Dangote”? We will be quick to remind you that the smell of mess inside private jet and the smell of mess inside keke no be the same.
Them no be mates.
Mess inside private jet = designer perfume.
Mess inside keke = weapon of biological destruction.
You cannot come and be comparing the scum that eats caviar and drinks the finest of bubblies with the scum that survives on okpa, ewa and la casera na, can you?
When we say “all men are scum”, imagine an invisible line.
Above the line, are all those fine boys (even the ones with questionable sources of income), who are able to call us up at a moment’s notice and send a private jet to pick us up for lunch in Paris; and shopping in New York. Those ones who splash money like it is going out of fashion, who have a name – not the type of your name that even your own father forgets sometimes. You know what I mean na. When the same person who named you goes, “Bia, nee anya. Keduzi afa gi sef? Who is there? Come here osiso, did you not hear me calling you?”
Meanwhile he never called a name o.
Not that type of name, the type of name that is recognized worldwide, the sort of name that opens doors. The sort of name that opens an Instagram account today, signs it off as “Femi Ote$”, has nothing inspirational to say, just posting pictures of himself doing big boy things, and already has hundreds of thousands of subscribers.
These are the people above the line.
Those below the line, are the people still shining shoe every morning to go and fight their way into a molue and make it into an office and answer memo if they so much as do not answer their oga-madam in the office in the most ingratiating tones ever they can find.
So, for those who find it extremely difficult to decode Nigerian Facebook Feminism-speak; when we say “all men are scum,” inside your church mind, draw an imaginary line and ask yourself whether you fall above or below the line. If you still have a 9-5 where you call at least three people “sir”, you are below the line.
You are scum.
If you have people calling you “oga” but you are still in paid employment, you just managed to grace the line. Small thing, and you for follow among those wey be scum.
Na shinkini you take escape, so be very careful how you chook your mouth inside facebook trending jagbajantis so that you don’t get reminded often, how you just managed to escape the scum boat.
If on the other hand, you wine and dine with Ote$ and Dane, then relax; you can never be scum.
Easy to understand, right?
That is why even though to the average (confused) Naija facebook feminist, “marriage is not an achievement”; Dangote says in his interview with the Financial Times, “I’m not getting younger. 60 years is no joke but it doesn’t make sense to go out and get somebody if you don’t have the time. Right now, things are really, really very busy, because we have the refinery, we have the petrochemicals, we have the fertiliser, we have the gas pipeline. I need to calm down a bit” and Nigerian women interpreted this to mean – “I need a wife” and have been running berserk since the misleading headlines hit the streets.
Today, “I want to be Mrs. Dangote. I promise to be ‘ornbul, faithful, loyal and honest”.
Tomorrow, “Marriage is not an achievement. Submission is evil”.
My brothers, I sorry for you all.
The problem I think, is not with us women, confused as we are about whom we are and what we want. The problem is with all of you.
Go and make money first and come back, then you will see that conversations around you will not revolve around “men are scum”, or “marriage is not an achievement”.
But until you make that kind of money, the sort of money where no questions are asked, just dey bring am make we dey chop, my brother, you are scum. Marriage to you, will NEVER be an achievement.
Jukwa ndi yardi gi o!