I know that this statement will irk all the men reading this and even some women.
In fact, you will mostly begin to recall situations in which women have ruined their unions by being sluts or spendthrifts. I will not dispute the veracity of your claims. It is quite possible that it is all true.
But isolated stories do not make enough case to shift the blame of failed marriages from men to women.
In my small experience, I have seen repeatedly that women put more work into making their marriages last than men do. It is easy to explain why. In Nigeria, we have come a long way. But not so far that all stigma from being divorced as a woman is no longer an issue.
When marriages crash, people in these parts always blame the women. Divorced men do not catch as much flak.
You hear statements like;
“She no gree siddon for husband house.”
“She no know say everything for marriage na patience.”
Hausa people will say;
“Aure hankuri ne.”
This means “Marriage is all about patience.”
The burden of providing patience is always the human race’s beast of burden. AKA Women.
A woman is expected to be the man’s ‘peace.’ She is the sanctuary. After a long hard day trudging through the trenches of muddy life; the woman is supposed to be the foot mat he cleans his feet on while he prepares himself to accept her love, devotion, food and then her body.
If you have wondered what being the man’s peace is, I am here to explain it.
- Do not demand answers from him. If he comes home late at night, accept it without question. Give him a back rub and say; “I know that it is only your hustle for us that keeps you late. You don’t need to explain where you were.”
- Do not look through his phone. No peaceful woman will enter the minefield of a man’s phone. Only a woman looking for violence calls over her husband’s interactions.
- Men have a constant need for sex. Or so we have been told. A peaceful woman will be sensitive to this need and must make sure she is prepared every night.
- A peaceful woman is resourceful. She will not be waiting for the man to bring money. She has her own money even if he has refused to let her hustle like she wants. Only a woman of war will watch a man survive a hard day with bills flying around only to come home and be asked for money.
A peaceful woman does not nag. She is prayerful, especially if her husband is not. It isn’t easy to be spiritual. Men try but honestly, temptation is too much for most men. A peaceful woman will not let a man take up the burden of prayer. She will be the praying good ol’ wife, waging and winning spiritual battles for her husband; who incidentally has been living a risky life.
- A peaceful woman is one who has minimal expectations of the man. She would never ask him for expensive things. She will never ask him to help with house chores. In fact, if he ever stepped into the kitchen, she would cry and feel like a failure.
So like I said, there are many things expected of women. When the marriage crashes, the woman gets the blame.
I am of contrary opinion. Not just because I am a woman. Women mostly want to keep their marriages. They put in the work.
Men live willy-nilly. They like being married but they also like being out there without restrictions.
Women quit jobs, families as well as friends to keep the men in their lives. Men walk into iffy situations eyes wide open. They will not forsake fellowship of the bro-thren for a wife that needs them for even one Friday.
Women are praying for men in Shiloh. Men are busy picking up strange women to scratch an itch.
Women wear their rings proudly so wherever they go, everyone knows they are married. Men don’t do that. Marriage is not an achievement for them.
It is common to find women who will do anything to keep their home. Even in domestic violent situations, we see women still struggling to cover up things for their men. This is unfortunate. Men will take the slightest provocation to ‘send her back to her parents.
When a married woman steps out of fidelity, there is a distinct lack she is compensating for. This includes emotional alienation from husband. Men step out for variety. A woman can do all she can do. Be as hot as miango pepper. As gentle as Dolapo Osinbajo. As sexy as Toke Makinwa. As domesticated as Mercy Johnson. As pretty as Banky W’s wife. As enterprising as Funke Akindele. As intelligent and accomplished like Chimamanda Adichie. And still, a man will step out on her.
But you find many women whose men ain’t shit sitting tight as well as populating prayer houses; begging God to change their men.
Men are the weakest link in marriage. If men were better, marriages would last.
I said what I said.
Merry Christmas. Stay safe. Covid-19 is real. Protect yourself.