Today, I wish to focus on a very sensitive issue which our men must pay attention to.
I was speaking to a colleague in her 50s. She has a child and it took her almost a decade to conceive after marriage. We were talking about infertility and the journey that women go through.
She said she had done everything.
She had gone to prayer houses. Also, she had done all the tests and there seemed to be no reason why she hadn’t conceived.
One day, an aunt of hers came to check up on her. She asked if her husband had gone for tests as well. My colleague said that he had refused.
Her husband had two kids from a previous marriage… Kids that looked exactly like him and so he was convinced that he had no issues.
This aunt, who was a praying woman active in church, told my colleague something.
“Na only woman dey know the father of her pikin.”
She did not elaborate.
That was clear enough.
Only a woman knows the paternity of her child.
So, she could get pregnant for any one and her husband would be none the wiser.
Luckily, my colleague got pregnant unexpectedly. She did not have to resort to solving any possible fertility issues for her spouse.
But this conversation hit me in the chest.
Apparently, I have been living a naïve life.
How women cold-heartedly pass off kids their partners have not fathered to them.
A philandering man is easy to tell. A philandering woman is not so easy to tell.
Men over assume the ‘innocence’ of women.
Because a man cannot get pregnant, men think they have the perfect cover to be ‘hoes’.
The women just simply do what they want. Then they make sure they are at home with a hot meal waiting for the man.
This was all fine and dandy till DNA testing became accessible to all.
The game was up for all the chopping and cleaning mouth women have done from beginning of time.
Men were discovering that the grown-up kids they proudly called their children were not biologically theirs.
I watched the videos of several men talking about their ordeals.
At some point in adulthood, you slowly shift from living life for just yourself. Your highest goals become nurturing the generation carrying your name; in order to have a better chance at doing something worthwhile with their lives.
You begin to live for your children, consciously or subconsciously.
You work so they have a good education, be comfortable and if possible; to have a footing when you are gone.
So when you have poured the essence of your life into children you think you have fathered; only to discover you didn’t when you are past your prime… it will hurt like hell.
Where do you start from?
Now, I am not saying that you must love or father only kids that have come from your DNA. No, that is beside the point.
This is about deception.
This deception on a higher plane of unfathomable wickedness.
Adoption is premeditated.
Knowing a man did not father a child and leading him to believe that he did is deception.
This is also unfair on the child. A relationship that been built and nurtured is suddenly thrown in the air and everyone is confused; because of this deception.
There is never a good reason to lie about the paternity of a child. It is not fair.
If you want a man to raise a child he did not father; he should have the right to decide if he wants to or not. You don’t trick him.
The pain is too much.
Secondly, at a certain age; I think it is no longer beneficial for men to check out the DNA of their kids.
Once you have crossed to your middle ages, why are you investigating?
What do you hope to prove?
Will you disown kids you have probably finished taking care of?
Will you throw away kids that have borne your name proudly over these years?
Dear men, where do you want to start from?
You cannot regret love you gave from a pure heart.
Yes, the woman may be an evil witch but you still fathered these children albeit not biologically. They are still your children.
So even when you suspect, carefully weigh everything on a balance. Will outing the secret benefit you or the kids? This is not about the woman. Do you want to really be in your 60s trying to father a new set of kids?
My advice for younger men is simple.
Don’t let anyone guilt-trip you with talk about trust or not trusting.
If you want to avoid long story, GET DNA TESTED WHILE BABY IS A BABY.
You can do this discreetly. Your wife doesn’t need to know about it.
It may not even be that you are suspecting her of having done something… No.
If you want to be sure, just do it.
Don’t wait for decades because at that point, those kids are your kids. There is little you can do about it.
Some people use this issue to illustrate why they think that women are not to be trusted. They say “fear woman”. They make it look like women do the most.
This is not true. Men don’t get pregnant. If they did, there would be commotion everywhere. Men are just lucky to be in a position where they can get women pregnant and disappear; or just move on with their lives.
Lastly, there is nothing shocking about women being sexually active with multiple partners. Men do it all the time without being in love with the women. Women also indulge. If men bring their kids from outside to be absorbed into the family; they should also be less hard on women in general.
If men were more accepting, no woman should lie about who got her pregnant. (You see what I just did there, ba? Found a way to twist it to mean the bottom line is that it is always a man’s fault somehow).
If you will take one thing from what I have written, take this.
Check for paternity when a baby is born and not three decades later.