NAIJA POLITICS: MONKEYS, COCKROACHES AND PARALLEL GOVERNMENTS by Viola Okolie

NAIJA POLITICS: MONKEYS, COCKROACHES AND PARALLEL GOVERNMENTS by Viola Okolie

Nigerian politicians all suffer from verbal diarrhoea and it is almost rising to pandemic levels.

But you see, taking into consideration the fact that the polity is already overheated with all sorts of dramatic happen-stances, you wonder if perhaps these politicians could not be a bit more circumspect about their speech, especially when standing before cameras…

One politician for instance, addressing his constituents Far North of the Niger, slowly gets intoxicated by the hailing and cheering of the crowd and as whatever substance he had imbibed began to kick in, he raises his voice to the crowd:

“You know our opponents, members of The APC, they are as irritating as cockroaches aren’t they?”

The crowd, high on seeing a real live politician in flesh – usually, they have to be content with gazing at them as they pass by in heavily blacked out cars, in long snaky convoys – yell back excitedly…

“Yes they are!”

cockroaches

“And what do you do with cockroaches that come into your kitchens and toilets?” Shameless Shema, drunk on 2 day old fermented corn gruel throws the challenge into the crowd?

“We kill them” screams back the hyperventilating crowd. Giddy with joy at being sprayed with saliva from the politician’s mouth rather than mud from his car tyres, they are almost drunk on their excitement…

Good. So what do we do with the APC cockroaches?’

“We kill them!”

Suddenly, with images of the Rwandan genocide flashing past his mind’s eye, Shtupid Shema attempts a dim-witted save: “Errrr, if they hit you, you hit them back.”

Noooo,” roars the frenzied crowd, “You said to kill cockroaches and we are ready to kill anyone that appears on our doorsteps.”

Na so! Nigerian politicians and speaking under the influence. Some of expired kunun zaki, others of double strength energy drinks.

This other one, somewhere South of the Niger for instance, gets a kick from pushing out his potbelly and prancing around to the delight of his citizenry. You see, it is not everyday that you get a politician who not only knows the latest dance steps of Nigeria’s lyrically challenged musicians, but is also not ashamed to display these dance steps in the presence of his people.

And so, on this fateful day, after imbibing a 2 litre pack of his favorite “wings dashing” brew, and displaying his skills at “Sekem”, “Shoki”, “Skelewu”, “Swor”, even the long forgotten “Denge Pose”, Amaechi walks over and grabs the mic from the Emcee…amaechi skelewu

Sweat running down his face in rivulets he yells:

“My People, My People”.

And his people, restricted to imbibing their own sweat and some rather tepid, satchet water, cry back at him:

“Our Governor, Our Governor”.

“You see, The PDP is fond of winning elections. They do not seem to understand that if they win one election, they should allow us win one too. You people will not understand but election mathematics is very simple: PDP wins is equals to Rigging, APC wins is equals to Free and Fair elections”.

“PDP = Rigging, APC = Free and Fair” they chorus back at him.

“Yes! So this is the game plan, as soon as PDP wins the election, we will declare the elections rigged and proceed into a State of Anarchy. You will follow me and we will form our own parallel government”.

“Ah Sir, but we do not want State of Anarchy o! Rivers State is enough for us”.

“Shut up, you do not know what you are saying. If PDP wins, State of Anarchy! Simple”

“But Sir, what if we want the PDP?”

“You do not know what you want. Even if the whole Nigeria voluntarily votes in the PDP, the election was rigged. Lawlessness is the answer.”

amaechi red bullSo when you consider the facts that the finest President Nigeria has ever had, Oboteish Obasanjo runs his mouth like he did not have a hand in the ruining of this Nation; Half Pint elRufai screeches and encourages mayhem; Bespectacled Tiffnubu advocates rig and roast, Liar Mohammed knows whom the “Original” Boko Haram is but will not pass on the information until his party is voted in, you begin to wonder:

Are these politicians all drunk?

Is it in the water that runs in the various Government Houses?

Or is Loquacious Garrulousity taught as a subject in Nigerian Politics 101?

And the gate shimmying monkeys in legislative skin? Abeg, I no get power joor.legisla-thugs

See y’all next week!

 

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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