This Christmas just keeps creeping nearer and nearer. Me sef don dey tire for the thing small small and it is made even worse by the fact that it is here, smack dab in the middle of “election fever” season.

cover image - Light Painted Christmas Tree by Shayne Gray


If like me, when you turn out your pockets, what comes out are wisps of dreams and gusts of aspirations, unlike other people’s pockets that churn out Naira, pounds, dollars, euros and even cowries; then it is safe to assume you are also wishing you are an atheist. At least for the Christmas period.

Any pesky neighbour that knocks on your door, shining their irregular thirty two dentition expecting you to usher them in and entertain them with criminally chilled soft drinks, fatally fried chicken and suspiciously scintillating jollof rice, would be treated instead to a never ending diatribe on how Jesus is not really Jesus, Christmas is not really Christmas and an acknowledgement of December the 25th is actually an acceptance of the belief in the sun god as yadayadayada (end of pseudo intellectual rant).

Matter of fact, garnish the above diatribe with a spray of errant saliva, wildly gesticulating digits and eyes looking like those of that Michael Jackson zombie thingie from the “Thriller” music video, and you can rest assured that your Christmas days, world without end, is Christmas chopchop hunters immune.PDP LOGO

Hmmmm, back to the matter of how to get some mozzle in my poshizzle (Snoop Lion speak for “money in my pocket”).

Here are a few options I am considering:

1. Long lost daughter locating services for some Presidential wannabes: You know na, he says his daughter is married to an Igbo man and has converted to Christianity. We say prove it! He digs out a “long lost daughter” somewhere in Uke, Idemili LGA of Anambra State. When the pressure increases to provide more evidence, her name begins to change from Halima, to Fatima, to Amina, to Shettima – what sort of nonsense is that?

Trying to stain Mister Integrity’s white babanriga? Anyway, like say na me he give the contract, it would have been a PDP undercover sleuth free transaction.

*picks grasscutter meat from teeth*

2. Vice President choosing services: See, Igbo people love their palmwine, Yoruba people love their amala. Even the choice of the pope did not take this long to materialise. The trick is to find a palm wine tapper who loves his amala. Shikena! There will be no Daddy GO to wait on for his approval, no teeming millions of cherch pipu waiting to see their cherch leaders fall their hand.

Palm wine tapper… loves amala… shaki and ponmo an added advantage. I think my village efulefu fits the bill.

3. Lie lie Originator. Other wise known as Lie-nus or MaiLaya or Lieing Mohammed: This one is a no brainer. I can even do this one from the comfort of my home, no running around required. All I have to do is come up with cast iron fabus. All these people spreading propaganda all over cyberspace are just learners compared to what I can do if given the job.


Other possible income streams:

4. Ntoor dispenser to TaxiDrivers turned Boyiboyi turned dashed-Vice Presidential hopefuls – PDP should be happy to pay well for this.

5. Pothole locator – no need for a specific party to back this. Just tour the 36 states, locate a bad spot or two and sell the picture to whichever party is not in power in that state.

6. Cheap alarmist – The APC should be willing to pay well for this. All I need to do is just keep screaming at the top of my voice how the election that has not yet held was rigged by the party in power.

*sips agbo jedi*

Oya na, election fever, I have ya cure, this Christmas go better by the grace of God.

PS: As #NigeriaDecides2015, remember to #VoteNotFight and that it should be #BallotsNotBullets.

God help us all!

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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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