What Naija women want from Naija men – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

What Naija women want from Naija men – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Is it just me or is there is a lot of male bashing these days? Men are always at the receiving end of criticism. Nigerian women are not smiling.

So what is the problem?

Just what do Naija women want from Naija men?

I cannot count the number of lists I have seen telling women how to care for men.

Obiageli Fire (my alter ego) is in a magnanimous mood today. So men brace yourselves, I am going to exhaustively discuss just what is expected from you guys. If all men would do these things, I promise you, Nigerian women will shut up.

  1. GET a job: This is just basic 101. A man that has something to do each day is attractive. A man on a grind feels progressive. Like he is going somewhere. You cannot get respect from lying down on the couch flipping channels while your partner is fully dressed and headed for work. See, no matter how menial the job or how little you bring to the table, you are better than a fully-fledged couch potato.

 

  1. Make Money: Ehmm, I know I said something about ‘menial jobs’ and bringing in little but don’t mind me. I was just trying to encourage men to work. In real life, we all say no matter how small, he should contribute something but that is far from the ideal. There is no woman on her knees praying for a life partner that includes the words ‘little’, ‘menial’, ‘small’ on her prayer list. We want rich men. Life is just sweeter that way. No one wants to be thinking about where school fees will come from. No girl dreams of soaking garri garnished with plenty of love while her friends are nibbling at lobsters on a boat cruise and sipping champagne AND receiving love. Forget all those people that talk about being poor but having peace of mind. How can you have peace of mind when every time you see your landlord your heart ‘cuts’? Poverty is the most unromantic situation one can think of. When you are counting how many spoons of milo used and asking the butcher to cut meat into minute Maggie sized pieces, you do not have a smile on your face. So dear men, make money!

 

  1. DO NOT BE STINGY: I had to put this in caps. A lot of women have given up on Nigerian men and gone to make their own money because of ‘aradite’ fists. SPEND SPEND SPEND. Whatever catches our fancy, please buy. You will not experience much problems if you are generous. This doesn’t mean that we do not have our own money to spend. But one of the major crosses your being born with a penis bequeaths (Chai, I sabi blow grammar) you with is the ‘our money’ cross. Your money is not yours it is ours. Her money is NOT yours. So the earlier you accept this cross, the happier even you will be.

 

  1. DO NOT BE BROKE: Have you noticed that so far, every point has something to do with money? I sincerely don’t understand why. Anyway, you are not allowed to be broke guys. I am serious about this. Broke men do not get some. Ok, they still do but they have to lie a lot. Have lots of money, spend a lot of money and do not get broke. We women do not like to be forced to have to use our money even on ourselves.cutting eye GIF

Haba, Broke ke!!!

 

      5. BE WELL ENDOWED: I am not sure I want to expatiate on this. Because nature gives what nature gives, I wouldn’t want any man to start feeling bad. I will say this. You know how they say that it is not the size of a dog that matters, it is the size of the fight in the dog? How much fight can a Chihuahua give? Secondly (wait, I thought I was not going to say much?), some dogs think that they don’t have to learn any tricks because of their sheer size. Dey there, Chihuahua will come and outsmart you right before your very before. Again, remember that girls do not have words like little or small on their prayer list.

 

      6. Be physically strong: A few weeks back, the gist was making the rounds that a certain guy abandoned his girlfriend and ran into the forest when armed robbers attacked. CHAI!!! This is unacceptable. Why did God give you muscles? It is not only for taking selfies in a gym. You must pocket your fears and defend your woman. What if they are stronger than you? Some foxes once kidnapped a tortoise. He could not outrun them. He begged them to let him scribble something on the floor. They agreed. He made several marks on the floor and was ready to follow them. They asked him what the marks were for. He said it was to show his people when they come looking that he showed ‘small resistance’ before he was captured. Dear men, always show small resistance. Even if you are beaten up, at least TRY..

 

       7. Chivalrous: Open doors for us, carry heavy stuff for us, start the generator for us. When our cars break down, leave your jobs and meet up with us so that you can give us your car and take care of the broken down car. Yes we want equality and we can do everything that you can do but we do not want to mess up our manicures

 

       8. Be manly: I know that chivalry and strength should be under this but what the heck, I want it to seem like I have a lot of points. Please it is not sexy to be crying upandan. Did you see the video of that man that was crying at his wedding? That is acceptable. When you cry it should be because you love us so much and cannot believe that we accepted your proposal. Or cry because we are heartbreakingly beautiful. We do not want anyhow crying. No excessive snot, no huge sobs and it must not go on forever

 

       9. Be a handyman: If you do not know how to fix things here and there someone else will do it for you. (patting myself on the back for this double entendre)

 

      10. Treat us how you treat your favourite football club. People say men are not emotional, I say balderdash. Have you seen them watch football? UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. First they look forward to it all day, they get involved as well. They stand up and shout or dance and high five each other. When they lose, they get depressed and upset but guess what? They NEVER abandon their football clubs. Men are faithful to their football clubs. I have never seen an Arsenal Fan sneaking to an unknown viewing centre to support Chelsea. Forget football, we want to be the only game you play.

 

        11. Be romantic. We like flowers and chocolates and stuff like that. But please not exclusively. When you bring flowers, add small Brazilian weave on it. This is not materialism. Flowers dry off, chocolates get eaten, even perfumes finish but a good weave is there for a looooong time.

 

       12. Be domesticated: Why is it a basic requirement for women to know how to cook? It should be a skill every individual has. We want a man that knows how to open the bonnet of a car and solve problems, knows where to find the clitoris (I keep cutting it closer with each article… if you know me, remember snickers… I am not me when I write) and finally knows how to cook a delicious pot of Banga (no pun intended. If you don’t get it, that’s ok). He should know how to clean and wash plates but he must not and I repeat MUST NOT be a wuss.

 

      13. Obey us: I am sure a lot of things have annoyed you so far, why should I stop now? Yes obey us and there will be no problems. If I have a dream and I tell you not to travel, do not travel. If I tell you to help me buy tomatoes (yes tomatoes) after work, don’t be annoyed. Just do it. We will not nag as much if you do what you are told. Put the toilet seats down, don’t throw your clothes on the floor, use a coaster for cups… all those little things we keep reminding you to do

 

      14. READ OUR MINDS: Another caps, so pay attention. You know how you ask us if something is wrong and we say “We are fine”? Well, by now it should be common knowledge that it means we are not fine. Don’t ask once. Pet us and hold us and peck us on our cheeks till we feel safe enough to open up and be ready to rectify whatever the issue is. I will admit, it is not easy to know what is on a woman’s mind but the older you get, the better you should get at deciphering. When all fails, ridiculously expensive jewellery may help. I said MAY. If it looks like a vulgar attempt to bribe us, we will not accept.

 

     15. Have your baths regularly: This seems basic but you would be surprised that some men think that because they do not have many crevices they can get away without bathing. I take Buhari beg you. That musky male scent they claim you have is just trapped sweat from tightly coiled hairs all over the body. If you can bathe twice a day, madam will not be dodging you so often (did some light bulbs switch on… you are welcome.

 

      16. Talk to us: Some men only grunt. They do not talk. We will follow you from kitchen to bedroom and back trying to give you the latest gist and we only get one word answers. Ees not good! Be interested in the gist. Respond to the gist. Tell us how your day went. Tell us your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. We want to hear everything. But when we are not in the mood, abeg don’t disturb us with chattering.

 

       17. Spend ALL your time with us: Except we willingly choose to have some girl time, we want your every single evening and every weekend. No “I have to work on Saturdays and Sundays.” We do not want you to spend time with the boys as well. It may not seem fair but when we spend time with the girls, we are going to spas and saloons or to watch chick flicks. When you guys want to spend time with the boys, we are sure playing with serving maids and collecting phone numbers of girls will be involved. So avoid long stories, stay home with us. We are good company.

 

     18. Love us but not too much: Love is all fine and dandy but too much of it is cloying and nobody wants a needy, clingy and annoying lover. The guys that give a 110% always carry last. A girl does not go for the guy that says ‘I love you’ every other second. Do a little shakara. Not too much. A basic knowledge of psychology, mathematics and chemistry is required. You have to decipher (psychology) when she needs x amount of love and at what percentage (mathematics) and also, at what concentration (chemistry). So while WAEC may not be required to be president, (tongue out…) it is always useful in meeting the needs of a woman.

 

     19. Pray: In all the churches I have been part of, women outnumber men. Women are always praying for their partners  and husbands. Despite this, marriages seem to be failing. I have concluded that it is because the men are not praying. It is the responsibility of the man as the head of the home to make sure things work out. So dear men, pray without ceasing.

 

I thought I could go all the way to 20 but fuel don finish. You see, it is very very easy to please women. And note that I did not mention anything about six packs or ‘tall dark and handsome’ here. You can be shaped like a donut and be slightly shorter than Aki and Pawpaw, those things will NEVER stop you from getting the right HOT woman. So stop wasting so much time in the gym, go and huzzle! If you have ever forwarded “How to please men’ articles to women, then please forward this article to men. Balance is key

About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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