Notes to Nigerian celebrities: Things I Know For Sure by Joy Isi Bewaji

Notes to Nigerian celebrities: Things I Know For Sure by Joy Isi Bewaji

If your last hit was Oliver Twist, you need to get a little greedier- push through the crowd and ask for another plate of pottage.

If you ever need to take 20 baths to move on from an Ex, it would mean you stank of shit all through the relationship.

If music fails, you can always get a very stubborn and controversial column in The Punch.

Your marriage is only as sweet as the number of Instagram likes you can get after that bedroom selfie with your man showing off his chest.

A 56 year old super-woman will either choke on a cape or stumble

Celebrity JOY edited

You are only permitted to dance partly naked when you are married, and your fans are sure you have “collected permission” from your hubby.

The idea of “celebrity bleaching” is to ensure the klieg light aligns with your stars

You won’t understand the meaning of true love and sacrifice if you don’t first pass through fire of having your man make you and two other women baby mamas…then come back years later to roost in your bosom.

You need a bikini body and an Instagram page, not a PR budget.

The definition of hard work is one pretty selfie. Like Thomas Edison, you need 1,000 attempts to light that bulb.

Dangote wants another billion, Mo Abudu is probably working towards a network that can beat Oprah’s, celebrities need another pretty dress, the rest of you want a lover and a twitter account. That is the balance of life (else we’ll all become rich or important, and they’d be no one left to sub)

If you cannot make Linda’s money at least ensure she is constantly reminded of how trashy her site is, compared to your very clever and classy 3,116-following twitter handle. Don’t forget to mention, retweet and keep your handle busy like it brings in any kind of prestige or money.

If Toke Makinwa can make it, you can too- with ass and boobs and your true complexion.

If everything else fails, dance shoki at Eko hotel.

You can’t be a dwarf and a sex symbol at the same time.

“Do you know how much it costs to take care of a girl like me?” is the smartest thing a dumb girl can ever say in defence of her bae’s lingering music situation.

You do not tie up and gag a three year old child because she soiled her dress… but this is Nigeria.

Everything starts to look “not so bad” the minute you get an invite to #meetthepresident… until then keep tweeting and waiting for your turn. You know you want that “opportunity” too!

In saner climes, if you move around with a 17 year-old you are pressured to move ahead; in Nigeria, you are advised to marry her.

If you have a friend like Kelly Osbourne, you don’t need enemies. They escalate your flaws. One mistake and they’ll leave you out in the cold world. When they resign, suffer a flat tyre, run into a mob fighting for constant electricity, they’ll blame you.

If Calvin Klein had pearls worth $150k, they’d make jewellery for Amal Clooney, not that ugly dress.

Everyone needs to be delivered from the Karrueche disorder. Everybody.

BDSM is something we experience every day of our Nigerian lives- from pastors delivering us from the Bondage of water spirits, to koboko wielding  soldiers instructing bus conductors to frog jump as a key example of Discipline, to Sadistic bosses, and to the Masochistic pain of PHCN and traffic; who needs a bloody movie?

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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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