When President Buhari referred to COVID-19 as a “fantastic phenomenon” over the course of last week; I must confess I had to reluctantly agree with him.
There can be nothing as phenomenal as a virus that finally shakes the Nigerian sleeping president out of stupor and cures him of his state of permanent shock. Imagine not being able to fly out of Nigeria and inspect hospitals around the world as a very important resident; while Nigerians die like local fowls in our poorly-equipped local hospitals.
Anything that makes President Buhari sit at home for three months uninterrupted is indeed a fantastic phenomenon. I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the only import he grants this global pandemic; its opportunity cost in terms of travels forfeited and handshakes with world presidents missed. Other than that, Baba is still entertaining us by being “shocked” every time something unpalatable happens in the country he is supposed to be heading.
Boko Haram attacks a governor’s convoy – Baba is shocked.
His own Chief of Staff dies unceremoniously of COVID-19 related complications – Baba is shocked.
His wife, on the one hand, and Aso Rock admin staff on the other; progressively up their rofo rofo game to the point that shots are fired – Baba is shocked.
Entire communities fall to the hands of the rampaging insurgents – Baba is shocked. (But recovers from his shock long enough to grant them amnesty and accept them back into the fold of supposedly sane Nigerians whom they have traumatized non-stop for close to a decade now).
Massive corruption is being unveiled among Baba’s pristine saints; chosen after what we insisted were six months of snoozing; but which the rest of you tried to convince us were actually six months of careful scrutiny for men and women of integrity. Huge sums of money that invoke fainting spells among the culprits is being mentioned – Baba is shocked.
Minister of Humanitarian Affairs claims that she “sheared” COVID-19 relief funds to every single household in Nigeria; (praise god o) and that she was feeding school children daily; even though all the schools have been closed and children have been home; “shuffering and shmiling” with their parents – Baba is shocked.
With the way President Buhari is “shocked” at every juncture; it is small wonder that people are complaining that there is no power supply in Nigeria. Why should there be? All electric installations and available kilowatts are being channeled to Aso Rock. For every ground-shattering incident where we expect a statement from our President; they just apply enough charge to “shock” Baba for us – and we are good.
Anyway, dear President Buhari;
Something else to “shock” you perhaps. Another fantastic phenomenon in the eyes of the world even though you may choose to disagree.
Somewhere in the general geo-political region where Boko Haram – those misguided brethren of yours; have been running rampage and wreaking havoc in the most horrible way possible; kidnapping young girls from their educational institutions to use as sex slaves; disembowelling pregnant women in order to prove a point; setting entire communities ablaze after killing off the elderly and kidnapping women and youth to join their golds; setting off bombs in schools, churches and other public places; yes Baba, that same general geo-political area.
Well, I am not trying to shock you too much o; because I don’t know how much electrical charges you have received so far this week. I am also not trying to rouse you out of your stupor. Or make you aware when your preferred default mode is “unaware”. Take note that this is just an unsolicited aproko move from me.
Baba, FYI, a Nigerian musician “Aminu” has been sentenced to death for blasphemy; apparently an offence gleaned from one of his songs. This death is not one that has been passed through the established judicial system in the land. It is not to be carried out by the instruments of the state.
This death is to be executed by a rabid mob who have already besieged his home; burnt it down and are frantically searching for him, as we speak, to defend the honour of their prophet.
Meanwhile, The worrisome part is that the “intellectuals” from the same geo-political area that usually disturb us with their nonsense opinions are distancing themselves from the musician and pledging allegiance to some moribund religious code of honour or the other. In other words, young men and women, the hope of “shanji” in that geo-political region are on social media; tweeting their support of barbaric standards in a rapidly evolving world.
So, it is actually none of my business, Baba.
I know you are more concerned about events in other countries that have even successfully managed their politics and ethnicities and are trying to stamp yourself as an African Statesman by making cringe-worthy statements on minor incidents in other African countries while a raging bushfire consumes your own backyard, but “nothing me ga”.
I just wanted to inform you.
And maybe shock you a little?
If that is not too much to hope for, President Buhari?
Okay Oga Presido, ajuwaya!