I am tired of being vilified as a side chick.
The hypocrisy is nauseating.
I watched all of you spouting all kinds of righteous nonsense recently; when a wife was harassing a side chick in Ikeja City Mall.
Suddenly all married women started spinning tales and boasting about how they will deal with us. How we were bad women and taking what is rightfully and legally theirs.
Why does the topic of the side chick always come up as though it is a new phenomenon?
Some things will always remain on this earth.
Poverty is one. Prostitution is another. The side chick as well.
As long as marriages exist, we, the side chicks, will also exist.
I can see the married women bristling. They are binding and casting. They are saying that it can never be their husbands. In fact, they are boasting about how they are vigilant. They say that they take care of themselves and that they pray as well. Indeed, they say that their men are faithful.
Let me pause and laugh here.
I mean, did these women throw away their brains along with spinsterhood when they married?
Selfish human beings. Selfish and mostly unattractive human beings.
Na only you want love. Na only you want money. You do not even pause to think of what life is like for the rest of us. You want to cage virile men for yourself so that you can be walking on air; holding your rings in the air behaving like you are better than us.
The same women that deny their husbands of sex.
Married women should pay the side chick
Married people don’t have sex. I have no idea why but if they will tell you the truth of their marriages; sex always goes to the back burner. But for these men that have been conditioned to seek out sex to validate their manhood; it is hell to live an emasculated life with these wives.
That is where we come in.
Married women should thank us.
You complain of headaches and use housework to deny the men of what is rightfully theirs. They stop asking you because we are giving them and you are angry.
You should pay us.
We never say no. You don’t seem to want. Why should be angry when we give them?
The only reason some of your husbands walk around happily is because we are there releasing their tension one nut at a time.
You cannot play with your husband. You cannot tease him and make him laugh like a schoolboy. In fact, you call him Baba Tunrayo; aging him and boring him silly with tales of middle aged women.
We make him feel like he is a young stallion. We call him zaddy and rub his tummy.
You say you don’t like oral sex. You will frown and push your mouth forward. We devour him, testicles included, and we let him try out new things. Just the other day, one of your husbands was tied up spread-eagled on my bed. I was flogging him and he was screaming “Harder”. See, that day, he credited me your soup money for six months because I deserved it.
You are boring and manipulative and unattractive. You are entitled and controlling with an acerbic, emasculating tongue and cheap blackmail.
Every single day; “I AM THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.”
Yet, you isolate him with your cold unfeeling self.
We keep the men sane
We keep your husbands sane.
When they come to us, we let them forget about their problems in between our firm breasts. When they come to us, we do not barrage them with unnecessary talk.
We do body scrubs. We wax. Also, we make our hair twice a month. We do our nails. We do not own wrappers. In fact, we strip for them.
It is not easy what we do but we understand how to keep your husbands happy.
I don’t blame you.
I blame the oyinbo people that sold monogamy to us. That refuse to accept that a woman ovulates once a month and a man can make babies every single day. How on earth should one man be caged by one woman?
It is not even tenable.
Why do we lie to ourselves?
Why do we even label it as cheating? Something that is so common should be acknowledged and celebrated and not vilified.
If a man can take care of more than one woman; why should he be forced to remain with one woman?
There are too many single women because of these stupid religious constraints. The world would be a happy place if we stopped making polygamy look bad.
My dear wife.
I will never leave your husband.
It would be stupid of me.
I am tired of fuck boys. I need mature men that add to my life.
Your husbands are experienced and great with advice. They even sometimes have the capital to turn my life around.
Some days, it is not about the money.
Because I am a single mother and I am lonely; why should I stay without sex because you don’t want to share your husband?
Where there is a demand, there will be a supply
Look around you.
How many men are queuing to marry a woman with children in tow? The unmarried men already think that they are extra special. There are equally many unmarried women without children chasing them. Why should I enter that jungle?
I can take care of my kids. I have tried being marriage before and men are annoying when they are around all the time.
Your husband gives me the right amount of attention. Not enough to cloy me. Just enough to scratch all that itches. He doesn’t want more children and neither do I.
Why am I even disturbing myself explaining why we side chicks will always exist? It is simple economics.
Where there is a demand, there will be a supply.
These men need us, despite having you.
The day you are able to figure out how to be all they need, we will be out of business.
But will you use your brain to do that?
No, you think beating us in malls will stop all that.
You are delusional.
Make peace with our presence. It will make your life easier.
And for the single women reading this, don’t waste your time trying to find a faithful man. Go and find Big Foot or mammy water first. That is easier.
What happens if I ever become a wife?
Nobody will dare touch my husband.
Even if it is juju.