There was a country called Gosla – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

There was a country called Gosla – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

There was once a crime ridden and corrupt nation called Gosla.

Why am I using past tense? I guess it is because most fictional ‘once upon a time’ stories start that way. I should say there is a crime ridden and corrupt nation called Gosla. But that would be wrong because there is no such place in existence or is there? (rubbing my hands together like a villain that knows something or is about to do something evil.) Am I confusing you yet? (Cue in villain laugh). Sigh, I play too much.

Anyway back to the nation called Gosla. This nation is an enigma to people far and wide, except for the residents of the nation. You see, Gosla has this formula it works by that only people of Gosla origin (by blood) understand it.

There was crime in this nation. But there was also a national crime fighting force (writer issues, I should have just said police, I did not want to be obvious.) Now if you recall I said this nation is an enigma abi. “In what way?” you would ask and I will tell you that their criminals and crime fightin.. I mean police worked so closely together that you could hardly tell the difference. You see, every single area of this nation Gosla had an operating gang and a police unit. They would hold regular meetings where they discussed how to keep the crime in that area regulated and organized. This was so as to maximise profits for both of them. There were two categories of people that they did not like, real crime fighting bosses and stray robbers. The former was bad for business while the latter was just stupidly ignorantly irreverent. In this land called Gosla, everyone operated within a union so as to have access to an easy pool of cash known as dues (if you were an official) or to protect yourself from harassment by union officials , well everyone except for people that worked in banks. Banks did not like unions and their staff were too dispensable to ask for one.


So, when there was a crime fighting boss, they used highly placed members to frustrate the boss out of their area. He would be passed around till he retired. For a freelance robber, it was either he got into the union and paid dues or he would be the poster child for a ‘working’ police.

The people of Gosla were a sorry lot, but they were also enigmatic. In the sense that they still managed to live happy lives despite the stench of crime and ill that wafted through the land. They did not know that they were a sorry lot, till they left the shores of Gosla and breathed in fresh air for the first time. Every foreigner that came to Gosla could not believe that people could thrive, survive and drink Orijin in such a place. The citizens of Gosla had desensitized nostrils and anuses. They were used to getting shafted and sodomized. They simply did regular enemas and kept a steady supply of vaseline and moved on with life.

One day, there was this woman called Drigila. She was a rich woman with a rich husband and they lived in Gosla largest city called Gernia. To be rich in Gosla, you have to understand how it works and who was in charge where. Driglia was driving through an area in Gernia when she was attacked by robbers. They broke the window of her very expensive car and made away with her expensive gadgets, money (loads of it) and important documents. She was furious but had to cooperate. She spoke with her husband and together they went to the area police who for a charge promised to help them. Officially nothing came out of it, till a member of the police force told her unofficially that for another fee, there was something that could be done about it. Driglia and her husband understood how things worked in Gosla and saw this as the only way they could recover their stolen property.

After all fees were paid, they were made to swear an oath of silence and taken to the den of the chief criminal in charge of the Gernia crime chapter. They were surprised to see a small unassuming man. He listened to them and decided because it was his birthday to give a little back to the community. He was aware of the robbery. In his territory, free lancers did not have an option of joining, they were killed. Word had a way of going round, so this quiet small man was in chief nigger in charge.

Driglia and her husband were asked to come back the next day and everything that had been stolen from her was returned. EVERYTHING. Driglia was so pleased that she gave the chief criminal a little thank you fee. You see, in the land of Gosla, thank you was not thank you if it did not come with some cash. And cash gratitude bought loyalty.

And everyone won in this situation. The police were happy, the criminals were happy and Driglia and her husband were happy. That is why they were rich, they understood how Gosla worked and obeyed the rules.

Now, if you are a foreigner in Gosla, or a stickler for ‘doing things properly’ you will not enjoy this nation. And please, I beg you, DO NOT EVER GET ROBBED IN GOSLA. If you did, the police would still be happy, the robbers would be ecstatic and you my friend, may live to dream about your stolen-gone-forever-property.

Phew! I just love fairy tales with happy endings. Good thing the nation called Gosla does not exist (or does it…. eye wink, rubbing palms together)

Next week folks….


About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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