This is how you become an angry feminist by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

This is how you become an angry feminist by Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I am not a feminist in a sense. I believe in the equality of women and will fight oppression of any kind tooth and nail. I am still not a feminist. I think I need to study and research the movement. What it has meant over time and what it means now. Till I get it, I will not use the word feminist to describe myself.

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So since I am not a feminist, it is given that I am not an angry one. Angry feminists are incredibly easy to spot. Every single battle starts with a huge line drawn, on one side are all the men that ever existed and on the other side are all the women. The angry feminist carries a huge chip on her shoulders and believe me the women are not spared as well. Dare to disagree with her on any issue and you will be tossed across the line to join the men. The angry feminist is incredibly sexist, peering at everything through the magnifying glass that is her vagina.  She fights stereotyping of women by stereotyping men. “We are not just boobs and butt” she cries out but by the statement she clearly means that men are just dicks that see only boobs and butts. I am very uncomfortable about the anger. One can hardly be objective in that state. Hanging out with an angry feminist is like being best friends with a cactus, you will get pricked because she has thorns all over and it is nothing personal; it is just how she is built.

The angry feminist was not always angry or even a feminist to start with. Life made her angry and feminism offered her a home to address the objects of her anger and of course a place to properly channel all that energy. I realize that I may not sound sympathetic to her person; I truly am. It isn’t her fault you know. It was her father that beat up her mother so many times and ended up leaving them. He never paid her school fees or even cared when she passed all her exams and made something from her life. It hurt even more because he was the reason she excelled at everything. She secretly coveted his approval and desperately tried to earn his love. It never worked. She despised her mother for not standing up to her father, if she had done so, her father would have stayed with her. “You see, nobody likes a door mat.”

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When she got older, she learnt to properly despise her father; how could he not see her and love her? She will not admit this to anyone, but she still loathes herself for not being able to get her father to love her. If he ever showed up and asked for forgiveness, she would melt and hug him in a heartbeat. Her problem is not helped by the fact that she has a record of broken relationships trailing after her.

Kolade fell in love with her from the first day he laid eyes on her. She loved him as well. Maybe in him she had finally found someone who would stay and love her just like she deserved. She gave everything to him, forgave him when he got upset with her or even cheated on her. He never hit her, she would not allow that. He promised to love her and always be there for her. She was everything she thought her mother was not. She had a good job and was assertive, she always said she did not need a man in her life but heaven knows, Kolade got everything he wanted from her. He promised to marry her and got her pregnant. Then he left her. She had been interesting and feisty in the relationship, she even was bringing his first child to the world, but it did not matter to him, he still left. She did not fall apart as her mother had done, after all she knew deep down inside of her that he would one day leave her. She knew it wasn’t her, or did she? She just could not be sure. It happened all over again, she was raising her son without his father. Men really suck.

The really angry feminist was not made in a day. It took a lot of being screwed over by the men in her life. She sees them in every man that she comes across. But you do know what this means don’t you? The angry feminist was created by the loser male.

I am not a feminist but sometimes I am an angry woman. I guess this is because I have been screwed over minimally by men. I had an ordinary childhood and was too guarded or lucky to have my heart shattered. So though I have had contact with the loser male, it has been minimal. They are easy to spot I think, ok to be honest not really. You see, the loser male is a product of the masochistic woman or in simpler terms the loser female. She truly believes in the superiority of men and treated her condescending husband as the best thing that was ever gifted to mankind or please excuse me womankind.

You see “a woman cannot look at a penis and not be glad” (so says a line from a traditional Yoruba poem in Soyinka’s Black Poems of Africa). The penis no matter how little and regardless of functionality immediately bequeaths the owner leadership status and don’t you forget it. It was nature’s decision just like the Lion is the king of the forest.

The penis is the staff that indicates headship. It even has its own head! The clitoris by nature is obscure; most men can’t even find it. It hides under folds of flesh and waits all its life for the kiss of life, pardon me the penetration of life by the penis. Sorry I am digressing. The self-hating woman gave birth to the loser male. Taught him all he needs to know to take over the world i.e. the penis trumps the vagina. So the loser male holds his penis in one hand throughout life letting go once in a while to slap a woman that does not see that his penis is sufficient enough to deserve respect. So the loser male is easy enough to spot if you know what to look out for. He is the guy with the dick attached to his head. This lets every female know that he is the head even before he speaks. I really wish I was being literal here, it would save a lot of women the stress if only we could see the physical phallus on the head.

I am beginning to sound like the angry feminist…. I need to do a call over on my life to find out who did this to me………maybe na dat shege Osas wey I fall for and who immediately evaporated when he discovered my vagina was not an empty hotel room looking for any occupant…….

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About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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