Nollywood Dialogues (1): “You Be TIFF, I No Be TIFF” – Chris Ihidero
“Oga, what are you doing here? I thought you will be in Toronto by now.”
“Toronto? For what? I full ground remain here, abeg.”
“So, you did not go for TIFF?”
“What am I looking for? Are they sharing money there?”
“Well, I thought someone said you were a respectable filmmaker. I should have known better sha, since it’s only mouth that you have.”
“So if somebody does not go to Toronto now, it means that that person is not a filmmaker, kwa? You Nigerians are a funny lot.”
“Well if your country, especially the city you work and live in, is having a special at a major international film festival, and you are who they say you are in the industry, one would have expected that you would have been invited. But alas, man pass man and levels dey for this una Nollywood.”
“Who do they say I am?”
“Shut up and stop feeling like Christ. Ode oshi.”
“Me that I have not even managed to make one feature film, I am nothing, biko.”
“Or maybe you didn’t go because you didn’t want to be represented as a charity case.”
“Charity case? Which one is that one again?”
“Don’t play dumb with me! Are you pretending that you did not hear that the organisers of TIFF went around with a begging bowl, asking for donations for Nigerian filmmakers so they can come to civilization in Toronto and learn one or two things about proper filmmaking?”
“Hey God! Where did you see this? The call for donations that I saw was just to aid the process of taking my colleagues to Toronto. It’s a normal thing o. You do know that TIFF is registered as a charity and can legally ask for donations, right?”
“Right my right foot. They may as well have called us a war-ravaged African country. The thing was insulting, abeg. Did we beg them to host a Lagos special? And shouldn’t the Lagos State government have paid for the whole thing? Why make us look like beggars?
“But they did the same for London when they did the city special thing for London. Is the UK a charity case too? Anyway, e no concern me. Sebi the Lagos State government does not have something better to do with money, let them waste it. Foolish people. If you’re doing something here and you send a proposal, that’s how they will be sending you upandan and last last you won’t get shishi. But once they see Oyinbo and hear foné na to open leg gbagada like an overpaid, overzealous prostitute. Tueh!”
“You make it sound like you and your industry people are any better. Don’t you people prostitute yourselves all over the place, available to be used by anyone who can afford a plane ticket or buffet dinner.”
“Please, please, please! Don’t join my once-in-a-while craze man with those who have been committed to an asylum and the keys fed to a crocodile. Craze get levels, abeg.”
“Hmmm, I hear you. Anyway, your people are in Canada now, abi?”
“Yes they are. And they will make Nigeria proud. This is actually a pretty big deal and I am very proud of Nollywood. This is international recognition of the hard work we are doing, especially with people like you who don’t see any good in us.”
“I hear you. Good indeed. I guess that includes when you steal from one another, abi?”
“Don’t go there, please. Don’t make light of a very serious issue. An allegation has been made, no concrete proof yet.”
“But I have proof.”
“You have proof, how? What do you know about filmmaking that you will now have proof?”
“My people say winch cry last night, pikin pai today; who no know say na winch wey cry last night kill pikin wey pai today? Simples!”
“God in heaven! You’re an idiot! I am leaving this place. Ode oshi.”
“Leave na, I hold your leg? But at you nor fit hold my mouth. (Singing) You be thief, I nor be thief; you be rogue, I nor be rogue; you dey steal, I nor dey steal, you be robber, I nor be robber, you be armed robber, I nor be…
