Tiwa and TeeBillz, abeg make una park – Viola Okolie

Tiwa and TeeBillz, abeg make una park – Viola Okolie

Dear Tiwa And TeeBillz,

What is all this pukepuke we are hearing about your kelekele love? What is happening in your fairytale land? A lot of people have asked my opinion on your telemundo season one to infinity and I have responded as truthfully as I can, “Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn”.

(Note that if that response sailed over your head, you must still be extremely wet behind the ears).

See, I am not going to join in with those who are asking why TeeBillz first took to social media, then rammed into a car and tried to start a fight, then called everybody he could think of under the sun to come and hold him before he jumped, then waited till they arrived BEFORE attempting to jump off the bridge.


He was very smart because he knows that in this age of video cameras, the average Nigerian who does not give a hoot about him would be more interested in being the first to upload the video of “suspected gigolo jumps off bridge to spite musician girlfriend: click the link for more”, on YouTube.

Seems like they skip the first and most important module in suicide school these days – ensure you have some balls. Suicide is not for small children or for the lily livered.

As for you Tiwa, no. I will not join to ask you why you took your wedding to Dubai so that we could not follow to “do Christmas for our eyes” or why you kept hiding your son from your fans as if you had suddenly produced the next Messiah the world has been waiting for but when your Eminado expired, you decided to gather all your dirty obante and wash everything in the public at once.


Both of you.

I don’t blame the two of you.

Every day, marriages break up in even more distressing situations than either of you privileged brats can ever imagine and these women pick up their lives, kick the leeching men out and move on.

But here you both were, making bad judgement calls all around and suddenly, nemesis and her entire generations come to visit and we are supposed to pause and listen to how Tiwa’s kicking out the leech is supposed to be “emancipating and empowering women all over the world!!!”

If I hear?

Why does every socialite who runs into trouble suddenly jump on the emancipation and empowerment bandwagon? Who has the keys to that bandwagon? Can we lock it up and throw away the keys please? Is there anyway to check people’s pedigree before letting them lay claim to the emancipation thingie?

Because I am here thinking of N45m and what it could have done in the lives of so many marginalised women and young girls and I end up with the feeling that these two brats need to be marched out to the village square and given the flogging of their lives.

No, I have no sympathies for either of you, both Tiwa and TeeBillz because not only do I think both of you are suffering from what my grandmother – God rest her soul – used to call “overfeeding”, I also think that you chose the worst possible time to reveal season one of this your telemundo.

Have you heard about the menace of the Fulani Herdsmen? And how they have been wreaking havoc in certain Nigerian communities? Have you heard that the Fulani Herdsmen are ranked the 4th deadliest terrorist group in the world? And that even though the Nigerian government thinks they are not Nigerians, they would like to cede some Nigerian territories to them under the merchant grazing bill?

Please Google “Nimbo” and “UzoUwani”. 72 hours before your useless meltdown, the two both of you, the Fulani Herdsmen invaded that community in the early hours of the morning and brutally slaughtered over a hundred of our compatriots, most of them in their sleep.

And now, rather than focus on demanding an end to this menace that could descend on anyone at anytime without warning and against which out security forces seem to be powerless to protect the citizens; social media Naija has turned to an emergency relationship counselling bazaar.

Every where you turn, the clueless, the unqualified and the wannabes have turned their pages into some sort of Agony Aunt bazaar.

Dispensing useless relationship advice and flashes of “wisdom” and quarrelling over who should ask the other if they have eaten and setting out rules for patronising edible caterers as if life and death, not to mention peaceful coexistence, depended on who was right between Tiwa, TeeBillz and the mysterious snail merchant.

See you all need to take a break from your relationship drama and find a map. Sit down and plot the coordinates of all the herdsmen attacks so far and not to cause panic, but like Lagos Lotto, if they are not stopped as quickly as possible then ‘e fit be you o!’

Tiwa and TeeBillz, I hope you two are not agents of Nigeria’s Minister of Information and the duo of Femi Adeshina and Garba Shehu sha because I seriously suspect the timing of the release of this your season film and how it has attempted to draw attention away from more pressing issues in the land. Intellectuals, “writers” and pseudo-intellectuals have all abandoned the dead and dying to their fate and are busy dancing around the antics of two spoilt children?

I don’t blame them sha, I blame the two of you.

Listen, we were not invited to the wedding, we were not allowed to see your baby, we do not want to hear the dirty details of your messy divorce biko. Do your possible best to end your marriage as secretly as it was contracted, it is not of urgent National importance.

What is important? Ah, getting the Nigerian government and the President in particular, to take a decisive stance towards protecting the lives and properties of its citizens from the menace of the Fulani Herdsmen.


And while we are at it, TeeBillz have you eaten since last week Thursday?

No? Try some sushi.

Park well joor, the two of you. Clear road make we see better thing biko.



About The Author

Osigweh Lilian Oluchi is a graduate of the University of Lagos where she obtained a B.A (Hons) in English, Masters in Public and International affairs (MPIA). Currently works with 1stnews as a Database Manager / Writer. [email protected]

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