I don’t like stories.
The English language just doesn’t do some expressions justice.
No wonder we had to ‘repair’ it, pidgin English is an improvement.
So when I say “I don’t like stories’ is implies I don’t like reading stories right? Let me throw more light.
“I no like ‘tory.”
Now you understand right?
I no dey for ‘tory.
Have you ever been to visit someone and they have this ferocious devil-incarnate, rabid sounding dog that shakes the fence with his bark?
You knock at the gate and the dog is in a murderous fit promising to tear you apart. They open the gate and you pause unsure if to walk in.
“This ya dog… e dey vex o” you say nervously
And then they say
“Ah! Godly Angel??? She cannot hurt a fly, she is just naturally high spirited. It is excitement She doesn’t bite.”
You look at the dog, you can see fumes coming out of his ears (you don’t believe it is female sef) , it is pacing up and down with saliva all over the floor. “Come in this compound and die” you hear it say in its bark.
“I no dey too like dog o. We no get dog for house.” You swallow. Looking at this dog, the mongrel you have in your house cannot be a dog, it must be a rat. But this here, gaskiya, this one shi ne kare (it is truly a dog).
Now you have a little dilemma, you have come to visit a girl that you are toasting. She is the one beckoning you into the compound. Despite the urgent need to urinate, and that your voice has reverted back to puberty years, you are a man.
You walk into the compound, in a flurry of activity that you now have no particular recollection of, you see the sky, you cannot feel the ground, your feel excruciating pain and then you spit out dust and open your eyes. You are on the floor, barefooted. The first thing you think of is how on earth did your socks come off too? You want to say something but you are surprised that you have been saying something all along. Well not saying anything in particular, just calling for your mother and Jesus.
Then the ‘tory comes.
“Oh my! I cant believe this. Godly Angel has never done this to anyone before. She is usually such a gentle dog. Godly!! I can’t believe this. I am so sorry.”
This ‘tory is now completely useless to your existence.
She could say:
“She has had all her shots.”
“ Let us get you to the nearest clinic for an anti-rabies shot.”
“My brother wears the same size of shoe as you… “
That would be more useful than any ‘tory.
As they help you into the house limping and still whispering your mother’s name, you look at Godly Angel looking so holy sitting in a contented manner in her kennel. Your tattered right shoe is by her side and you can swear she has a smirk on her face.
The girl you are visiting will never say yes. You know this because they also had to get you a pair of jeans from her brother as you messed yourself during the incident. No woman would say yes to a man that shat himself in a high tension situation. You leave that day clutching the waist of the jeans that is too big and bathroom slippers so small that your soles are touching the ground. Your trousers, boxers and left shoe are in a yellow and black nylon bag. But you leave a different person.
A new you is born that day.
One that will never listen to ‘tory.
The next time anyone says:
“Come in, Lion does not bite”
You will wait patiently while they chain the beast.
How dog go get teeth and then refuse to bite.
Yeye! “No tell me ‘tory. Chain that dog!!!”
See why I no like ‘tory?
All this Boko Haram has been technically defeated is the biggest dangerous ‘tory this government is peddling, make dem take their time o.
Somebody should tell Bubu, We no like tory!
Ba wa sa!