Have you ever wondered why the girl you loved and poured out your heart to said no? You know you are not a bad looking dude. In fact, girls have been known to really like you.
But this particular girl that you went out of your way to impress. You did all kinds of permutations just to see her. Left University of Port Harcourt to pay her a visit in ABU Zaria.
That visit meant you almost died of hunger weeks after. Or let’s say you were in the same school. You spent all your time with her. You helped with her assignments. In fact, you were her bodyguard.
You carried her bag and books when she was tired. You became her alarm clock; coming to her hostel to wake her up so you guys could go read. When her father died, you were there offering your shoulder to soak up her tears.
So, everything seemed right. She seemed to enjoy spending time with you. She told you everything about herself and you did the same.
In fact, everyone thought you were dating and so you thought it was just a matter of time. Till one semester, you both resumed and she suddenly didn’t have time for you anymore. And then the rumours started swirling. So, one day, you confront her and she says
“You are like a brother to me…”
And your heart shattered into a million pieces. You don’t even know how you found yourself back to your room that day.
And it puzzled you. You thought you had ticked all the boxes. All the things they say women like, you did.
Then you began to regret being a gentleman. You tell yourself that you should have been more forward. You should have tried to have been intimate with her. Maybe that guy had been quick to make a move and we all know once it gets sexual, it is hard to detangle.
But you tell yourself that you will not be a Mr Nice Guy anymore. You say to yourself that women only like bad guys. The ones that are not patient.
Women like the emotionally unavailable men. You tell yourself that women will not respect a man that doesn’t ask for sex. And, of course, this sets you off on a tangent that changes things for your forever.
I can’t count how many times I have heard of the above story. In fact, if I will be completely honest, I have found myself in a few of them myself.
When you meet a guy who is nice. You like him and he likes you. He does and says all the right things. He is always there every single time you need someone.
But you just can’t bring yourself to date him. But then, he is an important fixture in your life. He makes you feel cared for and appreciated. He is there when you need a muscle or a brain and that is very useful.
Yup, we ladies are champions at friend-zoning men.
My mum was of the generation that say you don’t have friendships with men. When I would insist the guy is just my friend. She would sneer and look at me like “You think we do not know these things, abi?”
For a long long time, I didn’t believe her. Because I would review my life and see great friendships I have had with men in the past.
But I got to a point in my life that I realised that she was sorta right. A lot of men are not hanging around women to hold their handbags and do their assignments and escort them everywhere, come to the hostel to wake them up so that they can study together just like that.
A lot of these guys wanted you, my dear sisters.
They had hoped that the friendship would naturally graduate into another level. But the girls somehow jumped ship before that happened.
I will never forget something similar in the university. They were thought to be a couple. Always together and all. One term, she suddenly started dating this new bad guy.
The friendzoned guy was devastated. He went to ask her why and she said:
“But you never toasted me.”
Hian! All that carrying of gigantic bags to lecture hall and using his last card to come visit her during holidays was what?
Why do girls say no in such situations?
Why does any girl say no for that matter?
Sometimes, the trap seems tight. All the bait is set. It is supposed to be a done deal. But then, it turns out not to be.
Well, let me try and explain.
Girls say no because they are bored. Some guys waste a lot of energy trying to paint a perfect picture. Perfection is suspect.
When a man shows his warts, we know this is what we are dealing with. When a guy tries to make himself look like he is perfect, the picture he is painting is no longer interesting.
It isn’t about wanting bad guys. It is about wanting flavour. You want your chest to pound with excitement.
There was once a dude who liked me. I said no simply because he was too perfect. Let me explain.
It isn’t like I wasn’t praying for a good guy. But beside him, I suddenly felt like I could never live up to all that goodness. I was already the one always apologizing. I was already the one with the crazy ideas. Beside his perfection, I looked like the devil’s niece. I couldn’t live that way.
Sometimes, women say no because while all looks okay aesthetically, something doesn’t feel right. Again, there was this dude when I was 19 that I really liked. It turned out it was mutual.
We got along. Our conversations were interesting and it was exciting. But with time, I saw that we were jigsaw pieces of different puzzles. As vague as this sounds, it took me about 20 years to articulate it.
He never understood why I couldn’t just date him. Now looking back, it is clear that we would never have worked. So instinctively, sometimes, you just know it won’t work.
Sometimes, a girl says no because she is still holding out. You are not her plan A type of person. You are nice and all and she keeps you. But she is hoping that the Prince Charming will come in from nowhere and disrupt everything.
She hopes to do better than you. That sounds cruel, right. I am sorry. It is just as it is.
Lastly, it is simply because she is not that into you. There is no flame burning in her heart for you. You are nice and all. But she is not feeling it.
It may hurt. But as life tells us, when someone says no, it is for the best. Imagine being stuck for life with someone that is managing you!
Timing, they say, is everything. Sometimes, it may be that you guys met each other at the wrong time. At an older age (when the girl has had her fill of exciting guys who turned out to be fuck boys), the sort of man a woman wants modifies in her head.
When romantic, spontaneous, correct hairline and ability to dance mattered in their 20s, reliability, stability, loyalty and patience become the important traits. When the woman is at that point, the men unfortunately have been angry for years.
Did you read my last article about what women want? It will help you know when not to waste your time.