Why don’t married people have much sex? — Abiodun Nkwocha

Why don’t married people have much sex? — Abiodun Nkwocha

This is a fact about married people which, if you are unmarried, may catch you by surprise.

But really it shouldn’t. With the amount of side hens and chics and side cocks around; it should tell you that something is amiss sexually with most married couples.

Before I got married, I legit thought that marriage was about sex. I and my friends would giggle at newly weds and imagine how they would be going at it morning, afternoon and night.

It was always a puzzle when married men wanted outside marriage sex. Why purchase or chase after something that you have at home nyafu nyafu?

It was made worse by the fact that my close circle of friends vowed not to have sex till we got married. So, there was heightened expectation and a lot of catching up to do in the confines of marriage… or so we thought.

I recall a very embarrassing conversation we had with one of my father’s married tenants. We went to see him with my mother. I was looking for admission and he was a dean at the University of Jos. He was preoccupied with talks of sex. He embarrassed the hell out of my mother and I by leaping into his favorite topic.

This man had a nasal voice and was always snorting.

“Maman Funke, I don’t know why these kids of today are so preoccupied with sex. There is nothing to it. Sex is not more than 3 minutes. You should be able to wait till marriage.”

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I lowered my head willing a sinkhole to appear under my feet but no such luck.

He snorted.

“When you get married, you can lock yourselves in the room and do do do do till you are tired.”

Suffice it to say that the moment he took a breather; my mum invented an urgent place we had to leave for.

While I was baffled with the 3 minutes sex thing; I had confirmation that there would be a lot of doing once one got married.

Wait o. Is this the point of the story where I talk about my sex life? Mba. How will I give you all free gist?

We will talk about a ‘friend’s’ sex life. If you gerri,t you gerrit. If you don’t gerrit, forget abourit.

Many years later, having been married for over 10 years, my friends and I get it.

Initially, there is an amount of sex when one marries. Before the children come in, what else is there to do with your free time? But when the kids come in, things begin to slow down. First off it is the 6-week postpartum celibacy. For some of us that delivered vaginally and had episiotomies; thinking of sex before that 6 weeks gave us phantom pain.

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Then no one  who prepares you for how time consuming caring for babies can be. In the beginning, you could be up every hour to breastfeed. The last thing on your mind will be sex. There is also the healthy fear of pregnancy. Before mistake will happen and you will carry belle.

If you are a worker, you resume work but work awaits you at home. You are doubly tired with a baby that becomes an appendage the moment you enter the house till you leave the house for work the next day.

Then you try to make things normal and attempt to do the do. You could be right in the middle of being frisky (sex is more than 3 mins joor. That our tenant’s wife probably never ever had an orgasm) then you will hear a baby whimper. You hold still as the baby lifts its head searching for you. Men, na so work go just end. Because that baby will refuse to go back to sleep till it has stamped out every single sexual desire that was built.

So, sex becomes that thing you sneak to do quickly.

But some other things also happen.

For a married woman, the realization of just how little men will contribute to house chores will begin to dawn on you. You have a full time job and also are solely responsible for running the home.

A man comes home from work to a meal, TV and, of course, if you are so inclined, sex.

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A woman comes back to settling the kids and making sure that everything is how it should be. Homework done, kids bathed, brushed their teeth etc etc. You clean up after everyone and when finally you are in bed; one hand will touch your butt with a whispered:

“Are you sleeping?”

You pretend you are sleeping but does that deter him? Nope. He now has several hands that can go everywhere at the same time.

You just want to sleep. In the beginning of marriage, you remember all the things you are told about saying no to sex. How men will cheat if you don’t give them whether you feel like it or not. So, you try even when you are not in the mood.

But married veterans don’t give a shit.

If I am tired, I am tired.

If you annoyed me, there is no way you will get some.

And if you are stingy to me, I will be stingy back.

If you come home late and we agreed you would come back early, I will sleep like a dead body. Nobody will come and disturb me by 1am when I am going to work in the morning.

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On birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s day, we try not to be witches and reluctantly give in.

And don’t get me wrong o. It isn’t that the sex isn’t enjoyable but you need to be in a certain frame of mind to participate. Unlike men who are ready to do at command.

Married women weaponize sex. They use it to control the men. Punish the men. Get what they want, etc. Women are so gaddem moody that the man just takes one look at her face and tells himself “Wo, I don’t have energy to start begging for sex.”

The girls outside are easier. If she is looking for money, she will give you sex. Simple transaction. Not this one that you will be looking at mama Gbile’s face to see if it will soften slightly so you can move in for the kill.

Men don’t really want to work for sex.

In theory, married women want sex. But they need the men to do so much more and be so much more in the home for them to be eager to sleep with them.

I don’t have all the answers and I do need to research.

But of one thing I am sure of, single people that are sexually active have more sex than married people.

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