As most gynecologists will tell you, your vagina is both extremely tough and extremely delicate. It can bear childbirth, but it can’t bear having too many outside pollutants in there.
Vaginal health is a crucial part of women’s health, and sadly, a lot of people out there are more concerned about profit than they are about safety.
These days, there’s an entire market dealing with sex toys, vaginal “accessories,” and other doodads that are supposed to be “gifts for your vagina.”
The problem is that loose regulations made this a pretty dangerous area of commerce for women who want to avoid hospital trips or infections.
If you want to avoid serious pain, make sure you avoid the worst gifts for your vagina on the market.
In the “no shit, Sherlock” corner of the worst gifts for your vagina lies Passion Dust, which is literally glitter you’re supposed to insert into your vagina.
The dust comes in the form of a pill which is supposed to dissolve into “sparkling candy-flavoured passion dust” after you insert it. The Texas-based maker called it “magically delicious,” but doctors are calling it “shameful slime.”
It’s not just one of the weirdest vagina beauty trends; it’s a bad idea. This is literally a glitter bomb for your vagina, and that’s bad, okay? There’s nothing charming about getting lucky, only to see unicorn snot down there.
Allow me to spell things out for anyone thinking of buying this:
- Sugar plus vagina equals infection.
- Glitter plus vagina equals other bad things.
- Sugary glitter plus vagina equals, WHY DO YOU OWN A VAGINA?!
If you have ever heard of the trend of shoving rocks into your vagina, then you probably have an idea of what a yoni egg is. Basically, this is an egg-shaped rock that you put in there, because a website told you to.
At first glance, nothing seems bad about a yoni egg, per se. The problem is one that gynecologists were quick to notice, though: even quartz crystals are somewhat porous, and that means bacteria can hide in your yoni egg despite heavy cleaning.
Most of the time, these eggs are made of jade and are touted for aligning your energy and helping hormones. The problem? Rocks in your vagoo will not change hormones, and will only end up making it easier for your vagina to breed unhealthy bacteria.
The end result of heavy jade vaginal egg usage is often vaginosis or potentially lethal Toxic Shock Syndrome. You also get the benefit of paying $77 for these potentially lethal gifts for your vagina. Enjoy your overpriced death-egg.
Now, as any gynecologist can tell you, it’s crucial to ensure that you keep your vagina’s natural flora and bacteria balance. So, it’s obvious that any gifts for your vagina that could potentially disrupt that balance should be avoided, right?
Well, the weird health nut group hits again with another awful vagina accessory/spa practice to try: Yoni Teas. These are basically bags of tea that you heat up until steam rises from them. Users are supposed then squat over the pot and let the steam rise up to their vagina.
Funny enough, steam kills your vagina’s natural flora. Hot steam also can cause burning. If you’re allergic to the ingredients in the tea, you can also have an allergic reaction. The end result? Pain. Lots of it. Possibly worse than what a guy feels when he’s hit in the nuts.
It may be wrapped up in a Reiki-charged, terry cloth, free-trade robe, but these spa treatments are still the worst gifts for your vagina you can get.
Apparently, one of the DIY approaches to treating your vagina is to peel a cucumber, then swirl it around “down there” for 20 minutes or so. This is called a “Cucumber Cleanse” according to reports on vagina trends, and funny enough, it’s really dangerous.
Cucumbers are prone to fungi. Putting a fungi-ridden vegetable down there can lead to—you guessed it—infection. Fungus vagina is not sexy vagina, just saying.
Moldy cucumbers are some of the worst gifts for your vagina in the produce aisle. However, they’re definitely not the only ones you’ll see on this list.
Vaginal tattoos, also known as “vatoos,” are temporary airbrush tattoos that are applied “down there.” Now, aside from being really, really bizarre, there’s a lot of risk at airbrushing anything down near your vagina.
Paint and body fluids do not mix. A lot of people who have sensitive skin will have experience burning and pain the minute that any errant spray hits your private parts.
You may have heard about garlic as a cure for a yeast infection. Don’t do it.
Yes, a lot of people swear by it, but garlic can be one of the worst gifts for your vagina’s yeast infection short of more Passion Dust. Some people insist it works.
However, this garlic-in-vagina horror story will put you off the idea of resorting to anything other than doctor-approved, FDA-approved options.
We don’t even have to be Dracula to find that kind of garlic use scary. Hell, we don’t have to even be Romanian to agree that a bulb of garlic is one of the worst gifts for your vagina out there.
Imagine having a plant growing in you. Imagine what’s growing in you is a large bulb of garlic. That’s not sexy. That’s terrifying.
If you can’t guess from all the other bans on sparkles and other substances, vaginal highlighter is one of those gifts for your vagina you shouldn’t get. It can leave you with serious irritation and an allergic reaction—and that’s really not glamorous.
Makeup does not belong down there. Makeup is one of the worst gifts for your vagina out there—unless you’re applying it to your face in a bid to get lucky. Leave the highlighters to your face, and you’ll look (and feel) a lot better.
Some lunatics are actually inserting oak galls into their vaginas as a way to enhance tightness. This isn’t good, since oak galls are a form of a wasp’s nest. According to people who have used this “treatment,” the oak galls burn when they’re applied to your vagina.
No shit it burns. It’s a goddamned wasp’s nest and most people are allergic to wasps. If you really need to tighten up, just do pelvic floor exercises like a normal human being.
Whether it’s to get a pornstar pink pussy or used as a form of birth control like Lysol was in the 50s, bleach is one of the worst gifts for your vagina.
You’d think I wouldn’t have to say this, but I do. Anal bleaching is regularly used by porn stars who want to maintain their pinkness, and once in a blue moon, emergency rooms will see people who pour bleach in there.
It burns. It messes up the natural flora down there. Oh, and if you put it in there in large quantities, it can also kill you and/or any form of sensitivity down there.
Of all the products on here, cleansing wipes are the most common. But, they’re one of the worst gifts for your vagina on the mainstream market. Cleansing wipes actually get rid of the protective bacteria that keep your vagina smelling good and also feeling good.
That’s why most gynecologists advise against using them—and why you really shouldn’t unless you have a problem down there to begin with.