You know, the greatest tragedy of all, was the attempt to hijack our Valentine’s Day by a bunch of progressive elements who wanted to elect somebody, anybody, by any means possible, on that day. How could it be that we were willing to trample on the rights of so many millions of Nigerians and remove that one indigenous celebration that defines Nigeria and our struggle to be free from colonial shackles and stand tall as an Independent Nation…
Oh wait, that should be Independence Day, October 1st.
Anyway, Valentine’s Day is officially back on. We cannot wait to be visually assaulted with brain scrambling red on almost everything and their neighbours, cheesy commercials and all those “Valentine’s Specials”. Well, here is a little bit of what to expect, no need to thank me, this na my own community service I dey do…
1. School Children who should be dressed in their school uniforms and “facing their work”, would suddenly find themselves bullied into wearing red in order to “show love”.
Show love ke? To who? Where and on what occasion? Hian o, biko, can we just leave the children out of the commercialization and bastardization of some of these our borrowed cultures? How come we do not have them dress in palm fronds to celebrate truly Nigerian events like masquerade days, new yam festivals, oluorogbo day, etc. At least with that, they would be getting in touch with their roots and be learning useful aspects of their culture without worrying busy body over sabis.
Now you have to wonder what version of the reason behind Valentine’s day the schools are teaching the children – and how many closet pedophiles have offered to give practical explanation of what that day connotes to the more curious children. If you ask me, I say, leave the children out of it.
2. Sadly, even the parents are in on the whole twisting the children’s mind with this Valentine Day thingy. One day for love. Lover’s day, etc.
Every day should be for love o. If you have been nasty to your spouse hoping for just one day to put down the pestle with which you have been threatening to break his head, or ignore the litany of side chicks that have been making her go ballistic; then your case file has just been tabled before Oluwa wa. You will soon be called up for judgement.
Anyway, second thing to expect, people wey words of endearment dey heavy for mouth, go begin to dey form in order to belong. Biko, it is “darling”, not “dahleen”, but you wouldn’t know would you? I suggest you stick to the regular “bia enyi, ne anya ebe a”, or the “eejort” you used to bestow on your significant other. Do not create a break in transmission in the daily spectacle you provide for your neighbours and children only to renew hostilities the next day.
3. Talking about side chicks, you do know this is one day when they spend the entire night cursing out the poor wife of the sorry arse nigger whose phone suddenly cannot be reached? Who will come up the next day with extremely wild stories of how he forgot to charge his phone, and his power bank was forgotten in the office, then his car broke down, and area boys accosted him while he was trying to fix it, and he had to pull a Bruce Lee stunt and fight off one million of them, then staggered home to prepare for you, but since he could not come to you without bringing some action, decided to rest a bit, only to wake up the next day just in time to make it to work, yada yada yada.
Please ignore the fact that his body double was seen with his long suffering wife painting the town in the colours of the rainbow.
Dear men, have mercy on your wives who suddenly have uncontrollable sneezing fits from all the bad vibes thrown their way and either continue the way you used to prior to Valentine’s day, or ditch the side chicks altogether.
E no mean anything.
4. Cynics. Everywhere. Behind every streetlamp and flower bush. Intellectuals. Critics. Powered by their cheap chinko devices and driven by a whole lot of bullcrap.
They will tell you Valentine is an alien culture.
They will tell you it has been over commercialised.
They will tell you it should be no different from anyother day.
They will scoff at those who just want to have this one day to at least try to be normal human beings.
They will yell at TVs for flooding the airwaves with Valentine adverts.
They will scream at restaurants for offering “Valentine Specials”.
They will yab schools and churches for getting into the mix.
They know it all, they are intellectuals! Asking them to ease off a bit on believing their own vomitus is an exercise in futility.
Over sabi dey worry them, na them put the sabi in SabiNews.
Did I just yab my own article and by extension myself?
*sigh* There is gee oooooo!
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